Rise of the Dragonborn
by TheDarkAngel'sShadow
Summary: As the New Kid, Sage Amsel just wants to leave his past behind and live life as a normal kid. But in South Park, "normal" does not exist. Now, Sage must deal with manipulative wizards, marauding drow elves, and possibly the greatest threat to he'll ever face: how to deal with having too many friends on Facebook. Rated M, because South Park. May contain yaoi pairings. Just saying
1. Introduction

Hello.

My name is Sage Amsel.

However, most people refer to me by whatever name I go by on Facebook. I am highly antisocial, but for some reason I'm really good at making friends on social networks. I should probably tell you a bit more about myself. I am a nine-year-old boy with black hair, black eyes, and pale skin. My hair partially covers my right eye, which makes my left eye stand out more. My left eye, though still black like the right, bears a scar from an incident three years ago. I don't really notice it anymore, but others seem disturbed by it. My mother says that it makes me look "tough," but my father still can't look at it without shuddering. Is it wrong that I find satisfaction in that? I don't talk much, either, which doesn't help. I also have a secret that my parents are trying to keep from me (as if I don't already know it). But enough about me. My family and I are moving to a small mountain town in Colorado called South Park. My parents hope for a quiet, peaceful life, but I can feel that my life in South Park will be anything but peaceful.


	2. The New Kid

I sat on my bed, looking around at my new room, which was still not completely unpacked. My parents and I got here late last night and the rest of our stuff was still being unloaded.

I put on my dark blue long-sleeved shirt and jeans, followed by my black-and-blue sneakers (Yea, I'm dark. You got a problem?). Just as I finished getting dressed, I heard a knock at the door.

"Sweetie. Hun, you all dressed?" my mother asked from the other side (of the door). I turned to face them, knowing they'd let themselves in. Sure enough, my mom and dad entered my room, smiling pleasantly (or, at least, my mother was).

"Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?" my dad asked me, looking slightly uncomfortable (as he always did when he spoke to me). I looked around the room in response, my signature apathetic look never leaving my face. My father, knowing that I wouldn't verbally respond, continued, "I know it's a big change for us, but…" His expression became cautious as he asked, "Son, do you…remember…why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" My mother looked worried, although she tried to hide it.

I blinked. Of course I remembered, just like I remembered the reason for every single move we've had to make. I could feel the scar on my left eye burning at the memory. My parents didn't notice.

"He doesn't remember." my father whispered to my mother.

"He doesn't remember at all!" my mother whispered back, the relief in her voice obvious.

"That's good. That's good he doesn't remember." my father looked visibly pleased for a split second.

I just continued to stare at them. _Let them think what they want, I don't care._ My parents turned back to me, seeming to think that their previous conversation had gone unheard, or just not caring.

"Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?" my mother said to me, putting her hands together as if subconsciously pleading with me.

"Right. Get outside and play, son, like…like normal kids!" my dad agreed, putting on another fake smile.

"Thanks, Dad." I thought to myself, continuing to stare at them. I didn't like my parents very much, although my mother was okay. At least she tried to be a good parent. Neither of them was very attentive, and my dad had an attitude.

"Yeah, we love you, too."

Speaking of attitude. My father rolled his eyes and left. My mother followed her husband after glancing worriedly at me. I just blinked, looking around my room once more before heading downstairs, picking up some money that Mom had left for me on the counter (and raiding the drawers in their room and in the kitchen). Satisfied that I had found everything of interest in the house (and after having my father yell at me), I went outside.

After walking down the sidewalk, I heard some sort of fuss going on near the house next to mine. Deciding to check it out, I began listening, still maintaining my distance.

"You shall die by my war hammer, drow elf!" a kid's voice cried out. I looked to see two boys about my age dressed in weird costumes. They appeared to be fighting. One of them was dressed like an elf, wearing an archer's outfit with elf ears and wielding a wooden dagger. I then turned my gaze to the other boy and did a double-take.

The kid had bright golden hair and equally bright sky-blue eyes. He didn't have elf ears, and was dressed more like a warrior than his opponent. He wore a light blue costume with yellow gloves and a dark blue cape. On his head, he wore a headband with a jewel in the center of his forehead, which seemed to shift between red and purple. He was wielding a hammer, yet, somehow, he seemed to be losing.

"Ha ha! You can't hold out much longer!" the "drow elf" yelled triumphantly, hitting the blond kid with his wooden dagger.

"Help! Somebody! I can't hold out much longer! Heeeeelp!" the adorable blond cried, falling to the ground.

Anger briefly flared in my chest (which is rare) at the sight of such an innocent-looking kid being beaten so mercilessly. Calmly approaching the quarreling duo and, turning the elf around to face me, punched him square in the face. He staggered backward and stared at me, wide-eyed.

"Hey, no fair! That's cheating!" he yelled at me, backing away when I didn't flinch, "I'm gonna tell my mom!" He then turned tail and ran away, showing me just how much of a little bitch he was.

"Look at all the fucks I give." I replied mentally, turning my attention back to the blond boy, who was just dusting himself off.

"Thanks, kid." he thanked me, smiling gratefully, "I didn't know he had a healing potion."

_Healing potion?_ I arched an eyebrow.

"My name is Butters the Merciful." the boy introduced himself, "I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you. We should be friends!"

_Butters? That's an odd name, and yet, it seems fitting somehow. A paladin? Like a knight? Oh, he's playing some sort of game. Fun. Since I've been moving around so much, I've never actually had time to socialize. Oh well, now I have a friend, and he lives right next to me. And he's adorable. Wait…what?_

The blond kid, Butters, was still talking. "Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King. He's been talking about your arrival." he said, grabbing my hand and leading me away, "The Wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there."

I just blinked, letting him lead me wherever (it's not like I could go home anyway) and trying to ignore the sparks flying through my hand. I don't know what was causing them, but they were making me uncomfortable. It didn't help that Butters didn't seem to notice them. He tried several times to start conversation with me, asking me where I was from and whether I liked Colorado. When I didn't respond, he stopped and looked at me. I knew he was about to call me out on my silence. However, not for the last time, the friendly blond surprised me.

"You don't talk much, do ya?" he asked me. Taking my lack of a response as a yes, he smiled kindly, reassuring me, "That's okay, I can talk for both of us."

I smiled internally. I think we'll get along very well.

Once we got to the green house, Butters held out his hand, signaling for me to stand back. Making sure that I wasn't going to leave, he then knocked on the door and stood back, waiting expectantly. After about a minute, the door opened, revealing a really fat kid in a wizard's outfit holding a wooden staff. He looked at me, then he looked at Butters expectantly. Butters, sighing quietly, turned to me and proclaimed, "All hail the Grand Wizard!" I just arched my eyebrow, looking at this "Grand Wizard" critically.

"So, you are the New Kid." the Wizard addressed me directly, "Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom." He then walked back inside. Butters followed him, gesturing for me to follow them. As I entered the house, a middle-aged woman greeted us, but the Wizard disregarded her (she's apparently his mother). He and Butters led me into the backyard, where the Wizard stood and held out his arms, declaring proudly, "Welcome. To the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!"

I admit, I was impressed. The backyard, as small as it was, really DID look like a kingdom. In the center of the yard was a castle made out of cardboard. The towers surrounded a tent that had a sign that read "**KUPA KEEP**" over it. The Wizard approached a vender to our right that displayed different types of weapons.

"Our weapons shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior." the Wizard said, gesturing toward a brunette with a metal helmet, red jacket with a blue cape and scarf, and a belt that held a pair of scissors.

The Wizard then went over to a pen where a boy in a light green shirt was petting a gray cat. The boy's tongue was hanging out.

"And here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the level 9 ranger, Scott Malckinson, who has the power of diabetes."

_The power of diabetes? What the hell kind of power is that?_

The Wizard then led me over to a kid who was standing next to the castle. The kid was dressed in a pink dress that reminded me of Zelda and a blond wig. I would have thought that the wig was her actual hair if she didn't appear to be wearing an orange parka underneath it. I couldn't see any of her face except her nose and eyes. She was certainly pretty, but there was something not-quite-right about her.

"And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny, the fairest maiden in all the land." the Wizard introduced her. The girl giggled coyly and twirled a golden lock from her wig around her finger. I narrowed my eyes ever-so-slightly. There was still something about her that was bothering me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what. That's when the Wizard the came up to me and whispered in my ear, "Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now."

"Wait, that's a guy?!" I thought, thankful that my default expression of apathy was so resilient, "I knew something felt off. That parka hides his gender really well, and that dress actually suits him, which makes it even more disturbing." Still, I've seen worse. I was about to turn my attention back to the Wizard when I heard Kenny say something. It was muffled (due to the parka that covered his mouth), but I could make out something about a flower. I looked around and, spotting a dandelion, picked it and gave it to the Princess. He giggled, which made me feel a little awkward, and friended me on Facebook, making him my second friend (Butters was the first).

"Quit fooling around, Kenny." the Wizard scolded the Princess, before calling Butters to his other side and regaining my attention.

"You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you, and in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited." I just stared at him. "It's time for your first quest, but first- please tell us, thy name."

I just stared at them, not really caring what they called me. The Wizard and Butters exchanged looks, and the Wizard smirked, and look that sent a chill down my spine. He leaned close to me, looked thoughtful, and then backed away, nodding as if I had said something.

"You said your name was "Douchebag," is that correct?" he asked, grinning. I raised an eyebrow, glancing between the Wizard and Butters, who had a pitying look on his face. I just looked back at the Wizard apathetically. Not exactly the coolest, or most flattering, name, but I've been called worse, so I left it alone.

The Wizard smirked again. "Are you sure you'd like to keep the name "Douchebag"?" I just continued to stare at him, not letting him get to me. He nodded. "Very well, Douchebag. You must now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew."

My eyes widened slightly at the word "thief," and I almost- _almost_- smirked. I have been known for sneaking around and stealing things, usually money (like this morning, when I raided the drawers). My parents still haven't figured out where the fifty dollars they got from selling my collection of Chinpokomon figurines (without my permission) disappeared to. What? You think I'm gonna tell you? Hell no!

I selected the Thief costume and put it on, ignoring the Wizard's comment ("A white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting."). It was a simple dark blue hood and cape with a blue jacket and black gloves. It suited me.

Once I had gotten into the thief outfit, the Wizard held out his arms, announcing to the entire yard, "We welcome to the KKK Douchebag the Thief!" which Butters followed with "Hooray!"

_KKK? Oh, Kingdom of Kupa Keep._

The Wizard pointed to the weapon shop. "Now, please go visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight."

I nodded, purchasing a Rogue's Dagger from Clyde, which was a small wooden dagger similar to the one the drow elf used to attack Butters.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon. Nice." the Wizard said when I had returned, "It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon and, with the bravery of a noble knight- beat up Clyde."

Clyde jumped back, shocked. The Wizard ignored him. "Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid!"

"What'd I do?" Clyde asked, confused. I felt guilty at the hurt look on the warrior's face, and was irritated by the Wizard's answer.

"I'm the King, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused!" the Wizard yelled before turning to me, "Go on, New Kid. Kick his ass!"

"I ought to kick YOUR ass." I thought, but I stopped myself, "But I'll save that for when I have a stronger weapon." I then turned to face Clyde, thinking, "Sorry in advance, Clyde."

As Clyde and I took our positions, the Wizard stood in the middle, instructing me on how to attack, defend, and use abilities. Once I got a feel for battle, I easily defeated Clyde, which made him cry. That made me feel guilty, a feeling which got stronger when I noticed that the entire yard had been watching our fight. As Clyde got up and dusted himself off, the Wizard started laughing his head off.

"Ah ha! Aha ha ha ha! Dude, that was awesome! You were all like BAM, and Clyde was all like NO NO! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

I didn't think that it was that funny, but I guess that didn't matter. The Wizard grinned victoriously.

"Okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now come inside the war tent and I'll let you see the relic." He then turned, entering the tent. I followed, interested in what I assumed to be reason behind such an organized game with such dedicated players. What was in that tent would change my life forever.


	3. The Stick of Truth

The tent contained a chair (no doubt the Grand Wizard's "throne") that was surrounded by buckets of (eaten) KFC chicken. Several other items also filled the room, including a Tony Banderas Love Doll (mu mother got one without telling my father, which was why I recognized it) that was designed to look like a barbaric warrior. The Wizard was standing in front of a pedestal.

"Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic, for which human and elf are willing to die. The Stick of Truth."

I looked at the pedestal. It was sitting under a hole in the tent, allowing the sun to shine into it. And sitting in the light of the sun was…a stick. It looked like a stick that anyone could find in their back yard. I looked at the Wizard oddly, not that he noticed.

"Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives, for whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe." the Wizard said, his voice serious. I just continued to glance between him and the stick, slightly unnerved by the seriousness in the Wizard's voice and expression. He suddenly turned away from the stick, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Don't gaze at it too long, for its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" he said, placing his hand on my back and turning me around, "Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues." _ My dues?_ "Being a member of my kingdom costs $9.95 for the first week, four dollars of which is tax-deductible." _Are you serious?_

Suddenly, we heard someone scream, "Alarm! Alarm!"

The Wizard looked around frantically, tensing. "Someone sounded the alarm!" he exclaimed, right as Butters ran into the tent, his eyes wide and terrified as he continued his "alarmed" chant.

"What is it?" the Wizard demanded.

"The elves are attacking!" Butters replied, trembling.

The Wizard's eyes widened as well. "Oh my god! Defensive positions!" he yelled, running outside.

"Come on, Douchebag! We have to defend the kingdom!" Butters yelled to me before running outside as well. I nodded, glancing once more at the Stick of Truth before leaving to face the elven assault. This was getting good.


	4. Search for the Missing Warriors

"Man the gate! Don't let them through!" the Wizard yelled to the other kids in the yard. Outside of the gate of Kupa Keep, a group of kids dressed similarly to the one that had been attacking Butters were approaching.

"Give us the Stick, humans!" the leader of the group demanded.

"Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!" the Wizard bellowed back, challenging the elven mob. He then turned to Clyde. "Clyde! Guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!"

"Aye aye!" Clyde replied, saluting the Wizard and running into the tent. The Wizard looked at the warrior oddly.

" "Aye aye?" We're not playing pirates, Clyde!" the Wizard scolded, not that Clyde was listening. He then addressed me. "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!"

I nodded, looking around and noticing that Butters was having problems.

The Wizard noticed this, too. "Butters, you're losing! Stop losing!" he commanded, glaring resentfully at the gentle paladin.

"But I don't want to make him feel bad!" Butters replied desperately, backing away from the attacking elf. As I ran to help him, I also notice that the Wizard and "Princess" Kenny weren't doing anything to stop the elven invasion, other than the Wizard threatening his "subjects" or giving useless advice while Kenny messed with his wig or played with his "boobs."

I lunged at the elf that was attacking Butters, deflecting an attack that would have likely knocked the paladin unconscious. I stood in front of him, barely registering his shaky "thank you" as I faced off against my first real opponent. Noticing that his comrade was in danger, another elf, an archer, joined the fight, firing an arrow at me. Even though it was only a little toy arrow with a suction cup at the end, it still hurt like hell! Now a little irritated, I lunged at the archer, taking him out with one blow (wimp). Stealing his bow and arrows (hey, I AM a thief), I fired at the first elf, who had made another attempt to attack Butters, knocking him out, too. Glancing at the other two elves that were attacking (one was after Scott, while the other was attacking the cat), I fired an arrow at each of them. With their attention focused on me, I lunged at one, defeating him. As the final elf charged at me from behind, I spun around, avoiding his strike, and knocked him out with the hilt of my dagger. The battle was over.

"Drow elves! Fall back!" the lead elf called, and the elves retreated. Butters came up to me and patted my back, congratulating me, although he seemed a little nervous (with the amount of ass-kicking I had just dealt, I wasn't surprised). My apathetic look remained, but I couldn't help the feeling of satisfaction that rose in my chest.

The Wizard, naturally, was rejoicing. "YES! Awesome, dude! Take that, ya asshole elves! Better luck next time!" He then started chanting "na na na na na na" and bragging about how we still controlled the universe. As the Wizard was dancing around, Clyde approached us, his face troubled. _Uh oh. Don't tell me._

"It's gone." he said to the Wizard.

The Wizard stopped dancing and looked at Clyde, his expression disbelieving. "What?"

Clyde looked down guiltily. "The Stick of Truth. The elves got it."

All was quiet in Kupa Keep as the Wizard gaped at Clyde. Everyone kept glancing between Clyde and the Wizard, backing away from the duo. Butters "ooo"d and pulled me away from the Wizard, shaking his head when I looked at him for answers. As I watched, I saw the Wizard's face gradually turn as red as a tomato. He started shaking as his anger built, and when the silence became too much to bear, he practically exploded.

"THAT WAS YOUR ONE GODDAMN JOB, CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" he bellowed, causing Clyde to shrink away from him (and everyone else to shiver). Butters gripped my arm as the Wizard's voice quieted. "Clyde. You are hereby…BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!" he yelled in Clyde's face. The now-banished warrior's eyes widened.

"What?! No!" he yelled back, sounding more angry than scared, "You can't do that!"

"Yeah, I can!" the Wizard barked back, "You're banished, and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah, go home, Clyde!" Butters added pointlessly, glaring at the warrior (from his safe place behind me). _Really, Butters?_

Clyde just walked away, glaring at the ground. I felt sorry for him (not that I showed it), but there was nothing I could do. The Wizard took a deep breath, calming himself, and turned to me once again.

"You fight well on the battlefield, Douchebag." He complimented me. Butters nodded enthusiastically in agreement.

"Yeah, this new kid may be a douchebag, but he sure can fight." Scott added. _Gee, thanks._

"Shut up, Scott. Nobody cares what you think." the Wizard said, waving off the ranger's comment, "Right now, we have a bigger problem on our hands. The Stick has been stolen, and we have to get it back!" He slammed his staff on the ground to emphasize his point.

"But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my king!" Butters interjected.

"Our newest member can take care of that." the Wizard replied, making everyone look at me, "Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors: Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now."

I arched an eyebrow at that comment. _When and how did you get my phone number?_

"But beware…" the Wizard warned me, "The lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped." He slammed his staff on the ground again. "Now go, and send my warriors here!" He then turned around, giving one last order before returning to the tent, "Butters, go with him."

Butters nodded in response, coming up to me and smiling. "You just moved here, so you don't know your way around town yet, do ya?" he asked me, before continuing without waiting for a response (he knew by now that I wouldn't give one even if he had), "I'll show you around."

I nodded, allowing the plucky blond to lead me out of the "kingdom". On our way out, we ran into the Wizard's mother.

"You kids be careful now." she said pleasantly, looking outside into the yard, "My Eric has lots of little playmates. He's such a friendly boy." She smiled to herself, turning her attention back to sweeping.

_Eric?_ I looked at Butters for answers.

"Eric Cartman. That's the Grand Wizard's real name. Most of the kids just call him Cartman." Butters explained, rubbing his fists together in a way I'd often seen him doing when he spoke about something that made him nervous. I didn't blame him. That guy had a dangerous aura. I just nodded in response, before nodding to Mrs. Cartman in farewell, noticing that she'd friended me on Facebook as well. _Here we go again._

Once we got outside, I looked at Butters, silently telling him to lead the way. Somehow, he understood me, and led me to a bus stop.

"This is the bus stop where we wait for the school bus." he said, making casual conversation, "I usually wait alone, since I don't have many friends, although I'll sometimes run into Eric's group."

"What? How does someone this kind and friendly not have lots of friends? People like me don't have many friends (except on social networks, apparently), but people like Butters should have more friends than you can count. That's weird." I thought to myself, tuning out the blond's chattering, "Maybe he just talks a lot?"

As we were walking, I suddenly noticed a group of elves hiding behind a bush. As they lunged at us, I pushed Butters out of the way, earning myself a cut on my arm (one of the elves was carrying a real knife).

"You picked the wrong line to cross, human!" the elf that had slashed me growled, brandishing his knife. The other elves laughed.

"Oh no! You're bleeding!" Butters cried, his eyes wide as he looked at the cut on my arm. It wasn't serious, but it still stung a little bit. I shook off the comment, turning my attention to the elves that had attacked us.

_Four against two, huh? My kind of odds._ I took my battle stance, my face as apathetic as always. The group of elves backed off slightly, a bit unnerved by my indifferent expression, despite my injury. Butters stood next to me, gripping his hammer.

"This looks bad." he said, glaring at the elves. I just looked at them, assessing their strength.

_That archer looks like he could be trouble. I'll take care of him first._ I drew my cloak in front of me, jumping behind the bushes and moving quickly behind my opponents. As they looked around in confusion, I landed silently behind the archer and, taking out a small knife that came with my costume, stabbed him in the side, knocking him unconscious.

"What? Hey! That's cheating!" the lead elf yelled, lunging at me. However, before he could get to me, he was knocked to the side by a hammer.

"I'm sorry." Butters apologized to the unconscious elf, clutching his hammer to his chest. I rolled my eyes at Butters's antics, pulling out my bow and arrow and shooting down the last two elves.

"Whoopie! We won!" Butters cheered, jumping around happily. I just watched him, smiling internally. I didn't know why, but he made me happy. Perhaps it's the sharp contrast between our demeanors. As we walked on, Butters placed his hand on my arm, in order to "heal" the cut. It actually did start to feel better, but I just chalked it up to psychological manipulation.

Butters continued to lead me around town, introducing me to the town's main police officer, Officer Buttbaby (or Buttbrady, I'm really not sure). He showed me the Church, Police Station, Bank, Post Office, a photo shop, and even clinics for abortions and nose jobs. He then led me to a park and, from there, a movie theater. Next to the theater was a coffee shop call "Tweek Bros. Coffee".

"Tweek should be here, since this is where he usually is when he's not at Kupa Keep." Butters informed me, before adding somewhat-distractedly. "Although he has been spotted at Craig's on occasion." He then shook off whatever was on his mind, changing the subject. "Tweek loves coffee. He drinks it to calm down."

"What?" I thought as we walked in, looking at Butters oddly, "Who drinks coffee to calm down?" Butters, almost reading my mind, just shrugged, turning to greet a man with short, light brown hair who was standing behind the shop's counter. His nametag read "Mr. Tweek".

"Hey there, Mr. Tweek!" Butters greeted, his friendly nature taking over.

"Hello, boys. Welcome to Tweek's coffee." the man replied, his voice calm and gentle, if somewhat apathetic, "It's local coffee, brewed locally." He then turned toward a room in the back of the shop and called "Tweek! Tweeeeek!"

"Gyaah!" a startled voice followed, followed by the sound of something crashing into something else. _So he is here. What's he doing in the back?_

Mr. Tweek, who I assumed to be Tweek's father, didn't acknowledge to crashing sound. "Have you picked up today's delivery?" he asked, the calm tone not wavering.

"Arrgh! Not yet, dad! I'm still trying to finish all of my chores!" came the response.

"Well, hurry up, son. The family business is relying on you." Mr. Tweek called, eliciting another scream from behind the door.

"Poor Kid." I thought as I headed for the room and entered, disregarding the sign that read "Employees Only". Butters, after glancing at the sign nervously, followed me.

Inside of the room was a bunch of machinery (presumably for making coffee). There were also various boxes of materials that contained coffee-related items. All of this was being run by a single boy, about my age. He had bright blond hair that stuck up in all directions and his olive-green shirt was buttoned incorrectly (likely due to his constant twitching). His eyes, wild and (coincidentally) coffee-colored, darted around frantically, as if expecting an attack from anywhere at any time. That's how he spotted me.

"Gyaah! Who are you?!" he screamed, hiding behind some machinery. Butters walked up to the frightened boy, placing a hand on his quivering shoulder.

"Tweek, this is Douchebag, the newest member of Kupa Keep." he explained gently, leading the trembling mess so that he was standing in front of me. As deep brown eyes met mine, they widened as their owner cried out in shock. I just blinked, handing the caffeine addict the note that Cartman had told me to give to him. He shakily took the letter from my hand, took one look at it, and freaked out…again.

"Ah! Now?! The guys need me now?! But there's no way, man! I have WAY too much to do!" he flipped out, grabbing my shirt and shaking me, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS?!" I would have smacked him if he weren't so freaked out already. He then looked at me with even wider (if that was possible) eyes, these filled with hope.

"Wait! You!" he yelled, as if he didn't already have my attention. I arched my eyebrow, which is what I usually did to signal that I was listening (then again, I also did that when I was curious, so yeah).

Could you pick up the four o'clock delivery? If you do then I can finish my chores and then I'll still have time to play! Please?!" Tweek begged me. I stared at him for a few seconds before nodding, making him jolt. Once his over-active brain had processed what my sudden movement meant, he nodded gratefully and grabbed an envelope from a nearby table, handing it to me. "It's at Kenny's house, like always. You give them this, they'll give you the delivery."

I nodded again, heading out of the door. _This kid has some serious issues. He smells heavily of coffee, and he twitches constantly._ I smirked as I heard him cry, "Ah! How am I supposed to do all this?! Harbucks has, like, eight employees! Here it's just me! Argh!" _He never changes._

"Kenny's house is south of us, on the bad side of town." Butters said, grabbing my hand and dragging me in that direction. He seemed to enjoy holding my hand, or just holding hands in general. Not that I minded too much. I never cared what other people thought about me, plus his hand was warm. I just let him lead (read:drag) me wherever as I lost myself in thought.

_So this is the quiet little mountain town of South Park. I don't know about the adults here, but the kids all have some issues. I may have never played these types of social games before, but I'm pretty sure you don't ACTUALLY try to hurt people, and I'm pretty sure you don't use REAL weapons. Not that I mind; it's more fun this way, but still…_

"Here we are!" Butters announced, snapping me out of my musings. We were standing at a section of train tracks that, once we crossed them, led into what looked like a completely different town. Garbage was strewn across the ground and, with some piles inhabited by wild (and feral) dogs or homeless people. The only house there was practically a slightly more sturdy garbage pile itself. It had a single story and a garage, but that was it. It likely didn't have many rooms.

"That's Kenny's house." Butters told me. I inwardly cringed. I'd hate to live there. Getting over my initial revulsion, I walked up to the front door and knocked. A woman with bright red hair answered a few seconds later. She wore a light green shirt with the phrase "I'm with stupid" on the front with an arrow pointing to her right.

"What?" she asked me, her voice scratchy and hoarse. I handed her the envelope, wanting to get away from here as quickly as possible, but it seems the Fates weren't on my side as she handed the envelope back to me and said, "Oh, this isn't for me. This is for the nice people renting the guest house out the back." Her voice was grating, so I quickly accepted the key she gave me and hurried around the side of the house to the only other building connected to it: the garage.

As I opened the door, I was immediately overwhelmed by the stench coming from within. There was the reek of something burning combined with the smell of sickness and body odor. It took all of my self-control to keep myself from vomiting and I could hear Butters gagging behind me. There were three people in the garage, all of them with damaged skin, sunken eyes, and missing teeth. I cringed.

"Meth heads." I thought as I reluctantly approached one, "What's a delivery for a coffee shop doing here?"

"Yeah, we got the package for Tweek's Coffee." the man said when he saw me, "You got the envelope?"

I wrinkled my nose at the horrible stench of his breath, handing him the envelope before backing away. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could. Unfortunately for me, one of the meth heads had other ideas.

"Wait a minute…" he said, eyeing me suspiciously, "That's not the kid that usually picks up the package." The man who had taken the envelope looked at me more closely, his gaze quickly turning into a glare.

"Oh shit…It's a cop!" he yelled, grabbing a pipe and lunging at me. The other two quickly grabbed a couple of broken bottles and followed suit.

My own gaze hardened as I took my battle stance, wielding the knives that were used for my ability. I seriously doubted a wooden dagger would do much against these guys. Butters stood bravely next to me, not noticing (or ignoring) my silent pleas for him to run.

"Oh boy! Bad guys!" he yelled, almost happily, swinging his hammer around at the guy in front of the group, causing him to stagger backwards. The second guy came up and swung his broken bottle at Butters, knocking him over. While Butters was down, the third meth head, a woman, came over and tried to kick him. However, before she could, I hit her from behind, knocking her out. The man with the pipe hit me, but I managed to dodge enough of the blow so that I didn't suffer much more than a bruise. As I fell to one knee, the two remaining meth heads ganged up on me, but before they could attack, Butters jumped into their path, shielding me from their onslaught. My eyes widened as he lifted his hammer and spoke.

"Feel my righteous fury!" he yelled, making it sound like a command, and held his hammer up to the sky. My eyes widened further as the sky outside darkened, despite being completely clear not a minute earlier. Thunder boomed from the storm clouds overhead, and much to my complete shock, lightning flashed and then came down onto Butters hammer. With his hammer electrified, Butters swung it at our attackers, electrocuting them both and rendering them unconscious. To this day, I'm still not entirely sure how he does that.

"Hooray! I did it! I didn't mess it up this time!" the ecstatic paladin cried happily. When he saw my confused look, he explained, "I've never been able to do that perfectly before. I always get the timing wrong. Eric would always yell at me because I would get shocking him instead of my opponent." He giggled at that, and I allowed myself a small smirk. I was still a little shocked at the power in that attack, but I would leave it be for now, choosing instead to look for the delivery.

Once we found the delivery and took back the envelope (Hey, they attacked us! We have a right to compensation!), we headed back to Tweek's Coffee, giving the delivery to the twitchy blond.

"Hey! You got the pick-up! Ah, thanks, man!" he thanked me, clearly grateful. He then walked over to his father, who was now in the back as well. "Dad! I finished my work! Can I go play?"

"Where's today's delivery?" asked, his voice as calm as ever, putting it in stark contrast with his son's hyper yell. When Tweek handed him the package, took some of the grains in it out and tasted it. "Yep. That's good shit." he said, smiling and turning to Tweek, "Alright, Tweek, you can go play, but be back before dark or you'll be grounded." He then turned back to the machinery, adding distantly, "Grounded. Like the fresh grinds of our all-organic Tweek blend, made with ingredients from local Tweekers." _What?_

Tweek didn't even acknowledge his father's ramblings. "Thanks, kid! I gotta go get changed, and then I'll meet you at the kingdom!" he said happily, leaving the coffee shop. I nodded in response, even though I knew he didn't see me, and followed Butters out.

"The next closest is Token." Butters informed me, "His house is this way." He then started dragging me back past the movie theater and to the west, all the while continuing to chat, "Token's family is really rich, so his house is really big. It's also guarded by a security guard who will hit you with pepper spray the moment you approach the gate." He shivered, as if recalling a bad memory.

I stopped walking, pulling Butters to a stop as well. As he looked at me quizzically, I pondered.

_Pepper spray can be a real problem, but I need to get to Token, if for no other reason than to continue this intriguing game. Hm…a gas mask would protect me against pepper spray, but where can I get a gas mask in this town?_ I turned to Butters, looking at him questioningly.

"Huh? What is it, Douchebag?" he asked. I pulled out my iPhone and typed out the words "gas mask", showing it to my companion. "A gas mask? Ah, gee whiz, I don't know about that. I mean, you could ask Jimbo and Ned. They own a weapon shop just past Token's house."

_A weapon shop?_ I nodded, heading in that direction, Butters following close behind. on the way, we passed Token's community. Sure enough, there was a gate guarded by a policeman with his hand resting on a can of pepper spray. Beyond the gate was a massive mansion that I assumed to be Token's.

"This is a gated community. Move along, sir." the guard said dully, staring me down. I ignored him, walking past without even looking up. Butters waved to him, although he looked nervous.

After passing a mall, a torn down Japanese restaurant (that Butters apparently got a wet-willy near), a Chinese restaurant, and a tower covered in fireworks, we reached Jimbo's Guns. As we entered, we were greeted by a cheerful, "Hey there!"

I looked up to see to middle-aged men standing behind the counter. Both of them wore hunting clothes, and it looked like one of them was missing his right arm. The man with both arms, who was also the man who greeted us, spoke again. "Are you here for business or pleasure?" he asked pleasantly, before adding, somewhat more sadistically, "Or vengeance?"

"Vengeance!" Butters replied happily, his ever-present grin widening. _I guess you could say that._

The man with the missing arm brought a little microphone to his mouth and spoke through it in an electric monotone, "You've come to the right place." He had apparently smoked too much when he was younger.

"So, you must be the New Kid that just moved to town." the first guy said to me. I arched an eyebrow. _It really is a small town._

"Yeah! I'm showing him around!" Butters declared proudly.

"Well, that's swell. And you're into huntin', huh?" the man smiled at me, sounding excited, "Well, you're in luck. South Park's just full of things to shoot that would delight any hunter, taxidermist or weekend animal-death enthusiast." He then scratched the back of his head, looking almost disappointed. "Not much I can sell to a minor, though."

I looked around the small shop. It certainly lived up to its name, as it was FULL of guns. There were knives too, and even bows (with arrows). Spotting a gas mask, I pointed to it.

"Ah! You have a good eye, son!" Mr. Two-arms declared, "That gas mask will keep even the strongest pepper spray at bay. Also good for surviving a nuclear war (maybe)." I nodded, ignoring the part about the nuclear war (a mask that could hold up against the aftermath of a nuclear explosion wouldn't be in a place like this, and it certainly wouldn't only cost five bucks) and handed him the money for it. I also bought a (real) bow and a good supply of arrows, along with a sharpened dagger ("It'll be our little secret.").

"Thank you! Come again any time!" the two-armed guy, who I later learned was Jimbo, called after us. His companion, Ned, simply watched us leave, although there was a small smile on his face.

Once Butters and I got back to the gate, I put on the gas mask. Butters said that I looked like a psycho killer (the hair covering my right eye made it look half-closed), but I didn't care. In fact, it may actually help my purposes. With my defense in place, I stood in front of the guard.

"Move along, sir." he said again, his bored monotone still in place. When I just stood there, silent as always, the guard glared at me, pulling out his pepper spray. However, when the pepper spray had no effect, he freaked out.

"What the fuck?! Oh no!" he cried, pulling out his black club and lunging at me. Butters grabbed his hammer, prepared to come to my aid, but I held out my arm, stopping him. I wanted to test out my new weapons. Pulling out my new dagger, I dove to the side, dodging the guard's attack, despite his body's large amount of surface area. Using my smaller size and younger age to my advantage, I turned in place, jumping onto the guard's back and knocking him out with a blow to the back of his head with my dagger's hilt. I re-sheathed my blade as the man fell, taking off my mask as Butters congratulated me. He almost seemed a little disappointed that he wasn't able to participate in the fight, so I silently reminded him that I was the only one wearing a gas mask, meaning that I was the only one who could resist the chemical's effect. When he nodded in understanding, he went back to laughing at the fallen guard as I entered the community, which only consisted of Token's mansion. _ Vengeance, huh?_

Reaching the mansion, I knocked on the door. Almost immediately, a young African American answered. He was wearing a simple purple jacket with a golden letter "T" on the front. _I'm guessing that this is Token._

"Yeah?" he asked when he saw me. I just stood there silently. Butters was still laughing at the guard, who was just picking himself off of the ground, leaving me without a translator. Token tilted his head slightly. "Can I help you?" he asked me, confused. Not one to start unnecessary conversation, I simply handed Token the letter that Cartman had given me. Token accepted the letter and took one look at it before arching an eyebrow.

"Oh, the elves took the Stick again?" he asked casually, not waiting for an answer, "Hang on a second." He then closed the door, opening it again a few minutes later dressed in a purple jacket with white sleeves and orange pants. He also wore a red Nike headband and a red scarf, with plastic knives taped to his belt.

"Thank you for thy message, traveler." he thanked me, getting into character, "I shall make haste to Kupa Keep!" He then ran off somewhere inside the house, calling, "Mom! Can you drive me to Eric's house?" I just blinked, walking back out of the gate and dragging Butters away from the guard, who looked at me in shame. I smirked at him, making him squirm.

"Craig's house is to the south." Butters told me (once he had finally stopped giggling). I nodded to him and held my hand out, offering for him to lead me. He smiled at my gesture, taking my hand in his own and leading me toward Craig's house. _I think the cold might be getting to the poor kid. His cheeks are turning pink._

As we walked, I checked my Facebook page and noticed that Clyde had unfriended me and sent me a message. I rolled my eyes, dismissing it as a temper tantrum, although I don't know why he blamed me for his "banishment". However, before I could finish reading the message, Butters pulled me to a stop.

"This is Craig's house." Butters said, pointing to a grayish-brown house almost exactly halfway between my house and the school (which my parents showed me last night). I walked up to the front door, knocking on it. Soon, a middle-aged man with receding red hair answered. He took one look at me and glared.

"You're looking for Craig?" he asked, not waiting for me to respond before continuing, "Well, he can't play. He's in detention. Something about flipping off the principal." And with that, he closed the door in my face.

"Well, he seems like a nice man." I thought sarcastically. Butters gasped.

"Oh no! Craig's in jail! We gotta go tell the Grand Wizard!" he cried, running back to Cartman's house. I followed at a more leisurely pace. No matter how interesting this game became, I still wasn't as serious about it as the others seemed to be. Besides, there was something else that was bothering me. Why did I get a distinct sense of foreboding when I read Clyde's message to me? Especially when reading the last phrase, which I felt that I had to take very seriously?

**I'm gonna get you back for this, I swear!**


	5. Dragonshout!

When I entered Kupa Keep, all of the kingdom's members were gathered in front of the Wizard's tent.

"All soldiers reporting for duty, Grand Wizard!" Butters declared, standing next to me and saluting. Everyone stood aside as Cartman emerged from the tent.

"Nice work, Douchebag." the Wizard said, nodding to me before addressing the whole group, "Now all my men are here and ready to fight for the-" He stopped suddenly, looking around in confusion. "Wait a minute…Where's Felspar?" He looked at me accusingly, "Where's my level 12 thief?" _Thief, huh?_

"Hey yeah, where's Craig?" Butters asked, looking at Tweek and Token. At first I thought he was simply backing up Cartman like he always did, but then he moved so that he was standing between me and the fat wizard. _I see. He's trying to redirect Cartman's attention to Token and Tweek and away from me. Cute._

Token caught Butters's look and answered, "He's in detention."

"What?" Cartman practically growled. Tweek answered this time.

"H-He flipped off the principal, s-so he's in detention again!" he stuttered/screamed.

"Oh my god." Cartman muttered, staring angrily at the ground, "If they've locked up our thief in detention, we have no hope of getting back the Stick of Truth. We have to break him out!"

Tweek freaked out. "Agh! No way, man! Last time we broke Craig out of detention, we all got in trouble!" he yelled, pulling on his hair. Yet, despite his words, one look at his eyes told me that he really wanted to free Craig. I then saw Token hide a small smile. _Interesting._

Cartman, pretending to consider Tweek's "objection", replied, "Getting into trouble is a risk that Douchebag is willing to take." _Huh?_

Cartman walked up to me, the seriousness on his face unnerving me slightly (although I was starting to get used to it). "You have to break out our thief, Douchebag. But don't worry, I will not let you go unprepared. I am going to teach you how to use magic. Meet me at the training grounds. It is time for you to learn…Dragonshout." the Wizard said, speaking to last word with a quiet emphasis, as if he were speaking of some forbidden power. Then, he walked over to an area in the right-hand side of the kingdom, where three training dummies were placed.

_Dragonshout? The fart technique? I learned almost all of the fart techniques a while ago out of boredom (there's not much one can do when trying to keep a low profile). Dragonshout is the most simple of the techniques, since all you have to do is suck in air and then blow it out. I've learned three of them, but there is rumored to be a fourth technique that only the elite can learn, one that I aspire to learn someday, but I seriously doubt this fat little bastard is among that elite. I guess I'll just play along for now._ I followed the Wizard to the training grounds as everyone else returned to their duties.

"You fight well, Douchebag." Cartman addressed me as I approached, "But to be truly successful in combat, you must learn to harness the power…of your farts." He said the last part dramatically. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Cartman then continued to explain the importance of fating on an opponent, before making me swear the "Gentlemen's Oath", which makes you swear to never fart on a man's balls. I had learned that before I had learned any of the techniques. He then explained how to use Dragonshout, which I just tuned out.

After demonstrating Dragonshout (he had decent power, making the dummy move slightly), he stepped back and turned to me. "Okay, now it's your turn. Dragonshout!"

I stepped up to the training dummy, a look of apathetic boredom on my face, and prepared Dragonshout. I let the air remain within me for a while longer than usual, making it more powerful, and then unleashed it on the poor training dummy, knocking the flimsy cardboard over completely. Cartman's jaw dropped.

"My god…" the Wizard muttered, looking genuinely speechless, "That was…incredible…" His eyes never left the fallen dummy. "A man could live a hundred years and never again witness a spell so…boisterous." He then turned to me, his eyes wide and, dare I say it, admiring. "Could it be that the prophecies are true? Could it be that the Dragonborn has come at last?"

My eyes widened slightly (and luckily, unnoticeably). _Dragonborn?_

Cartman then recovered from his state of awe (he was clearly unused to it) and was now trying to hide a grin. "Now let us try your skill on a real opponent."

Cartman turned to the crowd of kids (which had gathered when I had unleashed my attack) and searched for a worthy "opponent" (read: target).

"Hey! Hey, Princess Kenny! Could you come here a second?" Cartman called, shushing me (not that I had said anything). _Oh no._ "Could you stand over here for a second, Douchebag's gonna try a new move."

Kenny, blissfully ignorant of what he-she was facing, stood in front of me and took up a defensive stance. All of the other boys gathered at the edge of the training grounds. They hadn't witnessed my first attack, so they were interested. I looked at him-her apologetically (or, at least, I wanted to, but my apathetic look was known for its persistence) before stepping up to him-her and unleashing the Dragonshout (not as powerful as the one I had used on the training dummy) onto his-her entire body. He-She jumped backward, flailing his-her arms as the whole kingdom erupted in laughter. The loudest, of course, was Cartman.

"HA HA HA HA HA! THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS! HA HA! DUDE, THAT WAS AWESOME! HA HA! Ah…Good work, Douchebag. That was sweet!" he praised me, wiping joyful tears from his eyes, "Heh heh. Thanks, Princess Kenny."

Kenny stormed off with a muffled "Fuck you, asshole!" though I couldn't tell if the swearing was directed at me or Cartman.

The Wizard, clearly used to being cursed out, ignored Kenny and placed a hand on my shoulder, his tone becoming serious. "Okay, dude, but seriously, never do that on anyone's balls." I nodded. I knew the Gentlemen's Code. He nodded in return, continuing, "You have mastered Dragonshout! Now go! Use what I taught you to rescue our other thief from detention. Butters and Kenny will accompany you while I lounge on my throne."

I rolled my eyes. _I had already mastered Dragonshout. You didn't teach me anything._ I just walked out of Cartman's house and headed toward the school, with the Princess and the Paladin in tow.


	6. Friends and a translator

_I swear to all that is holy, South Park has got to be the only place in the WORLD where children actually play near the school after it lets out._

When Butters, Kenny, and I got to the school, we saw several groups of kids hanging out outside of the building. Some of them were just sitting on the ground playing in the snow, while others were chasing each other around in a friendly game of tag. I saw a window close to the ground (right at eye level) that allowed me to look inside without being seen.

"That's the cafeteria." Butters whispered in my ear, "That's where the warden Mr. Mackey imprisons those he captures." His eyes were wide with horror. I resisted the urge to roll my own eyes (soon I'm gonna become immune to the urge and consequently never be able to roll my eyes again) and looked in. The room was large, like most cafeterias, and there were a few kids seated randomly. No one was sitting near each other, probably because they weren't allowed to talk. I looked around and noticed a kid that was dressed differently from the others. He was wearing a dark blue hat with a yellow poofball on top, and a brown scarf and cape. Over his light gray-brown jacket was a belt that was being worn like a sash, which held two light-brown patches. He was looking at his watch, as if waiting for something. _Let me guess…_

"Craig! Craig, this is detention, m'kay?" a voice bellowed from the front of the room. I looked to see a middle-aged man with a head that looked like it had been blown up like a balloon. He was glaring at the kid that was looking at his watch. _Thought so._

"That's the warden, Mr. Mackey." Butters quietly informed me, shuddering. Kenny rolled his eyes at Butters. I went back to spying.

"Stop looking at your watch!" Mr. Mackey was saying/yelling, with Craig totally ignoring him, "You're here for three hours, buddy, m'kay?"

"Whatever." Craig replied, his voice a dull, uninterested monotone. He was still looking at his watch.

"Don't think your friends are gonna bust you out this time, Craig!" Mr. Mackey yelled, crossing his arms angrily and glaring at the rebellious boy. Craig wasn't fazed.

"My name is Felspar. I am a level 6 thief and the humans will soon rescue me from this tower." he said, wearing the exact same blank expression that I always wore. _I think Craig and I are gonna get along just fine._

Mr. Mackey, meanwhile, was starting to lose his patience. "No, your name is fucking Craig Tucker and you're in detention, m'kay, so start doing your homework! M'kay, I've got all the doors sealed, and I've got hall monitors working overtime! Nobody's gonna save your ass today, Craig! M'kay?"

"We'll just see about that." I thought, turning back to my companions, who had both lost interest in the conversation and were now discussing something that I could not discern. "That's okay. Let them enjoy their time away from the Wizard. I'm used to working on my own, anyway." I turned back toward the school's entrance. "Sealed doors and hallway monitors? Well, the front door isn't sealed. I can see that from here. Now all I need to figure out is how to deal with the hall monitors." I looked back at Kenny and Butters, who were laughing at whatever they were talking about (something about big boobs and cat piss, I don't even wanna know). "I should probably leave those two out of this. They always have to follow Cartman's rules; they deserve to have some free time. Besides, I doubt Kenny will want to follow me, after the Dragonshout incident." I walked up to the doors, preparing myself for whatever was waiting inside. Suddenly, I heard a familiar yell behind me.

"Hey! Douchebag! Wait for us!" I turned to see Kenny and Butters running up to me. I looked at them in confusion as they both stopped to catch their breath. However, my expressions are not that readable (read: not readable AT ALL), so I wasn't surprised that Kenny scolded me for leaving them behind. I looked at Butters, my expression unchanging, expecting him to scold me, too. What he actually said, however, shocked me.

"Why do you look so confused, Douchebag?" he asked, smiling at me, "We're here to help you."

Kenny's expression changed from irritated to incredulous, looking between me and Butters as he uttered a muffled "He looks confused?"

My eyes widened slightly (read: unnoticeably) as I stared at Butters. I then subconsciously glanced back in the direction we came, thinking again about Cartman and the Dragonshout incident. When I turned back to Butters a second later, I was shocked (even more) to find that he had an understanding look on his face.

"Let me guess." he started, placing a hand on his chin as he looked at me, "You thought that Kenny was still mad at you for using Dragonshout on her, and that we wouldn't want to follow you because we always have to follow Eric?" He nodded knowingly as my jaw dropped (just a little). Kenny looked at me with even wider eyes, as if looking for whatever it was that Butters saw that led him to that conclusion. Butters just laughed. "Well, that's just silly." he said, patting my back in much the same way he did when he was "healing" me, "I mean, gee whiz, Douchebag, we're your friends. We don't mind following you. We're all in this together."

Kenny nodded in agreement, assuring me that the Dragonshout attack "was the fatass's fault, not mine."

Butters then looked at me seriously, in a semi-glare. "And by the way, don't you EVER compare yourself to Eric, Douchebag. You're not nearly as bad as he is."

I looked from Butters to Kenny, who nodded again, adding, "It's nice to follow someone who isn't a total asshole for a change."

I looked at both of them before nodding, hiding a small smile, before turning back toward the school once more. I pushed the front doors open and walked in, with my companions- my friends- by my side.


	7. Jailbreak!

The moment we entered the school, we were confronted by a hall monitor. He was obviously ginger, with pale skin, bright red hair, and freckles. As soon as he noticed us, he glared at us, holding up a bat.

"Excuse me, but school is out. No students are allowed on the premises until tomorrow at 7:30 a.m." He glared at Kenny and Butters, obviously well aware of why _they_ were here. However, his expression became friendlier as he looked at me. "You must be the New Kid. Don't follow the examples these guys set." he told me, gesturing to my friends, "They are constant troublemakers."

Kenny and Butters both protested the ginger's words, but I ignored them, approaching the hall monitor and pulling out my dagger, a sinister smirk on my face. "So am I." I thought, slamming my dagger's hilt into the side of the ginger's head, practically throwing him to the ground. The ginger stared at me with terrified eyes, pulling out a walkie-talkie.

"Officer down! Officer down!" he yelled, "I repeat, officer down! All hall monitors to the right hallway!" I took the walkie-talkie from the "fallen officer", kicking him away before he could say anymore. On the other end, I heard Mr. Mackey's response.

"Oh, goddammit!" he growled, frustration evident in his voice, even through the speakers. Kenny and Butters crowded around me as we heard Craig's response.

"Heeeere they come." he said in his usual monotone.

"They aren't gonna get you, Craig!" Mr. Mackey yelled defiantly, "You're not getting out of detention!"

"I'll be outta here in 10 minutes." came Craig's usual response.

"Oh golly." Butters mumbled, beginning to freak out, "Mr. Mackey knows we're here." Kenny patted Butters's back, attempting to reassure him. I just looked toward the hallway to the right.

_10 minutes, huh? Let's see if we can meet that expectation. _I signaled for the two blonds to follow me. Butters clung to my arm as we headed in (he seemed to have a fear of getting into trouble) while Kenny checked his (manicured) nails. He was clearly used to getting into trouble. We only got a short way into the hallway before we were stopped by a large pile of chairs.

_Well, this proves that the cafeteria is this way. Now how are we going to get past this?_ Suddenly, I heard laughter.

"Let's see you get past the blockade, intruder!" one of the gingers yelled, while the other one lit a rolled up piece of paper and threw it at us. We all jumped back, and the paper bounced back toward the blockade. That gave me an idea. I signaled for my companions to get back (Kenny didn't understand me, but Butters did, and he pulled Kenny back), and then I approached the burning piece of paper, preparing Dragonshout.

"Bring it on, New Kid!" one of the hall monitors challenged me, laughing at my apparent inferiority. That's when I turned around and unleashed Dragonshout on the open flame, blowing up the blockade and sending the hall monitors guarding it flying.

"Woohoo! Way to go, Douchebag!" Butters cheered at Kenny burst out laughing. I simply signaled for them to follow me as I made my way past the destroyed barrier. We soon came up to the cafeteria, and I listened as I heard Mr. Mackey yell from the other side, "You're not getting in here, m'kay? I've hidden the key somewhere, and you'll never find it in my office!" I smirked as I heard snickering on the other side of the door, followed by a frustrated. "Oh, damn it!"

"His office, huh?" I thought, turning to Kenny and Butters. They led me to Mr. Mackey's office, but it was locked. I growled, making both Kenny and Butters back away from me, eyeing my movements warily (they had both seen me in battle, so they knew I was dangerous), and leading Butters to suggest that we check some other rooms. We ventured further into the school, knocking out more ginger hall monitors (it would seem that ALL of the hall monitors were ginger). As we continued walking, Kenny and Butters began discussing another event in their past, this time making fun of Cartman. I heard something about Cartman joining NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) and nearly getting several boys raped before I tuned them out, cringing at the thought.

As we kept walking, with Kenny and Butters a short distance ahead of me, I noticed something that they didn't. Around the corner, a group of ginger hall monitors were waiting in ambush. I stopped, readying the bow that I had gotten from Jimbo and Ned. As the gingers moved in, I kicked a locker, gaining my companions' attention. As they stopped, the gingers charged, but before they could get to my friends, I shot one of the fluorescent lights hanging from the ceiling, taking down all of the attackers at once. Kenny and Butters stared at me, mouths open in awe. I gave them both a scolding look, and although Butters was the only one who understood me enough to bow his head in apology, Kenny soon followed the other blond's example, bowing his head and apologizing as well. I just nodded in acceptance, continuing my journey through the school, with Kenny and Butters both following close behind me, weapons out and alert.

As I turned the corner, I heard a kid screaming behind another locked door. I also noticed that there was another blockade on the other side of the hallway. Knowing that I would need a key to get into the room, I headed for the blockade. There were several gingers on the other side of the blockade, guarding it. They mocked me, challenging me to get through. The leader approached me, waving a key in my face.

"You can pry this brass key from my cold, dead hands." he gloated, moving to the back of the hallway behind the blockade, practically oozing confidence. I stepped back, examining the barrier, looking for a way in. This barrier was more sophisticated than the last one I had to deal with. Instead of just a pile of chairs, it was a fence on wheels, which many buildings tended to have.

_Hm. No open flames, so Dragonshout won't do much. Neither my dagger, nor my bow can get through it. _ That's when Kenny stepped up to me, snapping me out of my thoughts. As I looked at him, he kneeled in front of me, bowing his head and saying, "Your word is my command, my lord."

I looked at Kenny questioningly, not quite sure what he was asking. He looked up at me, as if waiting for me to do something, so I just pointed to one of the ginger kids. Kenny nodded in response, and I'm sure he was smirking as his approached the blockade, calling out to the ginger I had indicated and…wait a minute…is he showing off his nipples?! What's that going to do?! He doesn't even have breasts!

However, it would seem that I was the ONLY one not affected. Butters had turned away in embarrassment while the ginger I had pointed to was approaching the gate, drooling.

"Whoa, what have we got here?" he said, dazed, "Ooh, boobies!" He rushed over, removing the blockade so he could get to Kenny, chanting "Must touch. Must touch." Kenny just giggled, taking out a mirror and hitting the ginger over the head, knocking him out. I shook my head slightly as the princess bowed to me, entering the previously-blockaded area. I looked at Butters, who just shrugged, before returning to the task at hand. _The lead hall monitor had a brass key, which I must need to get into the cafeteria, which means that I must get that key at all costs._

I looked at the barricade that lay past the gate. There were four gingers behind it, but they didn't seem to want to chase me, preferring for me to come to them. I held my arm out, telling my companions to stand back. I spotted a bulletin board near two of the gingers. My arrows took care of the bulletin board, bringing the gingers near it down with it. That left only two opponents, who I just left to Kenny and Butters (they were getting restless). When the leader fell, I took the brass key from him, glaring at him as he pulled out his walkie-talkie.

"More officers down! We're taking heavy casualties out here!" he cried into the speaker. Mr. Mackey's voice could be heard on the other end.

"Damn it! You hall monitors need to stop playing around!" he yelled. The ginger looked frantic.

"He's got the brass key! He's some kind of Dragonborn!"

I flinched. _That name again…_ With that, I snatched to walkie-talkie from his hands, just in time to hear Mr. Mackey say, "Now look, this it detention time, not time to play Dungeons & Dragons! And besides, he's never gonna get inside here because to open the door you need to gold key, and the only way to get the gold key is by getting the silver key, m'kay, and even if he has the brass key, he still hasn't made it past the boss level! M'kay?"

_M'kay._ I turned off the walkie-talkie, the shadow of my hood covering my eyes as a grin pulled at my lips. The ginger shuddered at the sight. _Thanks for the info, Mackey._

I looked at my companions, my expression showing no signs of the sadistic pleasure displayed not a second before, and pointed my finger toward the room that the screams were coming from. They both nodded, following me as I headed in that direction. From behind me, I heard Butters whisper to Kenny, "I think Douchebag doesn't like being called "Dragonborn"."

"Really?" Kenny asked, surprised.

"Well, yeah." Butters replied, "I mean, gee whiz, Kenny, didn't you see that dark aura that surrounded him when that ginger kid called him "some sort of Dragonborn"? And when Eric called him a Dragonborn, I swear I saw him shudder." Kenny was astonished. And so was I.

_I can't believe he can really see so far into my emotions. No one's ever been able to tell what I was feeling before, much less so accurately. I should probably keep him around as much as possible, at least while interacting with others. Still, how does he do it?_

Choosing to focus on the mission, I unlocked the door and entered the other room. Once inside, we were greeted by several more gingers, blockades, and in the back, a kid crying, several suction-cup arrows stuck to his back.

"Great. More people in trouble." I thought sarcastically, "And look, another barricade. Are those firecrackers?"

I blinked a couple of times, wondering why there were firecrackers just lying around in an elementary school, before shrugging and setting them off with one of my arrows. One of them hit a ginger, who a barricade made from two tables, breaking it. Another firecracker hit one of the gingers that was attacking the kid, knocking him out, and the last one set the last barricade on fire, allowing me to blow it apart with Dragonshout. I then shot a pile of books, wiping out the last ginger kid, allowing my group to approach to kid. His injuries weren't serious, a few little scrapes, but his crying still looked pathetic, so I commanded Butters to "heal" him.

"Thanks. I thought I was a goner." the kid said to me and my companions, "There were too many of them. They were too strong. Their hair, too red." He then took a silver key of his pocket and handed it to me. "Maybe you can take this silver key and find the gold key. You can succeed where I have failed! Free Mackey's prisoners!" he yelled as he ran out the door. I just nodded, looking to my friends.

"Hey, uh, that's the silver key, right, fellas?" Butters asked us. Kenny nodded.

"Yeah. That key unlocks Mackey's lair." he told us. I found that hanging around Kenny for an extended period of time made him easier to understand. I turned around, heading back to Mr. Mackey's office.

After unlocking the door, I entered a room that was filled with cabinets and drawers. There was a desk in the middle of the room, with two chairs in front of it. And on a shelf above the desk was the gold key. I arched an eyebrow, shooting down the key and catching it. _That was easy._

"The gold key!" Butters gasped in wonder, "No human has ever laid hands on it before."

I arched my eyebrow again, this time at Butters. "Then how did you guys break Craig out of detention last time." Not that I really bothered to ask, since, by the look on Kenny's face, I could surmise that Butters was exaggerating.

Now, with the gold key in my possession, I headed for the cafeteria. It's been about 8 minutes since we first showed up, and I intended to stay on the schedule that Craig set. However, before I could open the door, an older hall monitor stopped me.

"Hey!" he called out, making me turn to face him. He looked to be in fifth or sixth grade. His bright red hair was in a buzz-cut style and he was wearing dark brown armor with a silver badge on his left shoulder. The sash that read "hall monitor" was gray, rather than white like the others, indicating how long it had been in use. His face was covered with freckles.

"Where's your hall pass?" he asked, the unspoken challenge not lost one me, "No hall pass, huh? Then it's time to give you a referral!" He then pulled out a stick with a dodgeball attacked to it by a string.

"OH yeah! That's the boss! Good luck fightin' the boss! You still think this is a game, young man!" Mr. Mackey yelled through the door, before having to silence the cheers from the students in detention, who were supporting me.

I took out my dagger, always preferring close combat. The boss summoned two other hall monitors, but Kenny and Butters intercepted them, forcing him to face me alone. I lunged, striking him with a full-force attack and knocking him back. He glared at me, swinging the dodgeball, which I blocked. After checking to make sure my friends were okay, I pulled out another knife, which I had upgraded to a scythe-like dagger, and snuck around the older ginger, inflicting a deep wound in his side. He cringed and fell to one knee, before pulling out his phone and threatening to call my parents. I narrowed my eyes and Dragonshouted in his face, making him drop the phone, which I then crushed under my foot. The boss swore at me and swung the dodgeball again, but I jumped out of the way, stunning him with a kick to the head before slashing him again with my dagger. With that final attack, the boss collapsed, succumbing to the bleeding. Once the boss fell, I looked to my companions, only to see them applauding me, the two other gingers lying defeated at their feet. I smirked, opening the door and freeing the students. They all cheered and took off, with me, Kenny, Butters, and Craig close behind them. Behind us, I could hear Mr. Mackey yelling in frustrated defeat.

"Damn you, Craig!"


	8. Raid on the Giggling Donkey

When we returned to Kupa Keep, Craig was greeted enthusiastically by the rest of the warriors, who were rejoicing at the news of his release. Craig just nodded, looking at each of them emotionlessly. That is, until he noticed Tweek hanging back, looking at the ground guiltily. Craig smiled slightly, walking over to the twitchy blond and putting a hand on his trembling shoulder, eliciting a small spasm, followed by a flurry of apologies. Craig gently shook the smaller boy, assuring him that he wasn't mad. Although the thief didn't actually speak, Tweek seemed to understand him and smiled, following Craig as they joined the rest of the group. I hid a smile of my own, standing at the center of the group next to Butters as we all faced the Grand Wizard.

"Gentlemen." the Grand Wizard began, "Thanks to the New Kid, our entire army is assembled. It is my belief that the New Kid deserves to rank up in level." Everyone turned to me as I just looked at the fat wizard, my blank poker face ever-present. _Oh really? Yay._ "To honor his efforts, he will no longer be called "Douchebag"." _Oh goodie._ "New Kid, I hereby dub thee…Sir Douchebag! Congratulations." _What? Really?_

Apparently, my new title came with a new outfit. My hood was now black instead of blue. Everyone applauded me, until Cartman continued to meeting.

"Now it is time to take back that which is rightfully ours!" he announced, slamming his staff on the ground for emphasis, "A carrier raven has just come with news that the Stick of Truth has not yet been taken to the Elven Forest. It is in possession of…the Bard."

At the mention of "the Bard", everyone in the kingdom gasped in horror.

"The Bard?" Scott asked, terrified.

"Oh god! N-Not the Bard!" Tweek shrieked, hiding behind Craig.

_The Bard?_ I looked at Butters for answers, only to find him trembling, too.

"The Bard is a level 10 drow elf who can use magic to enchant and destroy his enemies!" he explained to me, the fear evident in his voice. I patted his shoulder, unfazed by his claims. From what I heard at the school, Butters could read my emotions in the aura I give off, so hopefully some of my confidence would rub off on him. It seemed to work as I saw him smile, hugging me before pulling away quickly, rubbing his knuckles together sheepishly. Before I could respond, Cartman called me to him.

"Are you ready to continue your training?" he asked, not waiting for an answer, "Then make haste to the training grounds."

I looked at Butters and, seeing him tending to the shop, headed toward the training grounds. His face was red again. Maybe he should see a doctor.

Before talking to Cartman, I walked up to Craig, who was sparring with Tweek. As a fellow thief, I felt that I should at least learn more about this "Felspar".

"The Bard has no honor." Craig growled, a distinct anger hidden underneath his monotone. I looked at Tweek, who was catching his breath, before turning back to Craig and pointing to the spazzy warrior (making sure he couldn't see me pointing). Craig nodded, lowering his voice. "The Bard, along with several other elves, attacked Tweek while he was patrolling few days ago. He hadn't been injured that badly, but the experience still left him traumatized. I'll never forgive that damn elf." Craig clenched his fists, his entire body shaking with rage (of course, only someone who was used to suppressing their emotions would have noticed). I nodded, silently promising to give the Bard what was coming to him, and Craig nodded in return, silently thanking me. I then looked over at Tweek again, who was now repeatedly striking a training dummy while chanting a mantra of "Need to practice…" with the occasional "Agh!", before turning back to Craig and, making sure Tweek didn't see me, made I small heart with my hand, winking at my fellow thief as I pointed (again unseen) at the little spaz. Craig, seeing this, turned bright red and grabbed me by my collar, pulling me closer as he whispered dangerously, "Tell no one." I just gave him a thumbs up, which, being a fellow "man of few words", he understood as meaning "Good luck." I then went over to Cartman as Craig returned to helping Tweek train. Luckily for both of us, my "conversation" with Craig had gone more or less unnoticed.

"You've done well, Douchebag." Cartman said as I approached, "But now, I will teach you how to use a ranged magic attack. It's not easy, but being able to Cup-a-Spell from a distance can save you in battle. Allow me to demonstrate." He then proceeded to perform Cup-a-Spell twice. I watched him, skillfully feigning interest. He definitely knew how to perform the two fart techniques, but they're both pathetically weak. He can barely even move that light-weight dummy.

When it came to be my turn, I stood in place (further back than Cartman stood) and farted into my hand, using a weak form of telekinesis to hold it together (yes, that's the key to this technique), and then threw it at the dummy, almost knocking it to the ground.

"YES! YES!" Cartman yelled happily at my success, before stating, as I knew he would, "But now, let's see how you fare against a real opponent." He then turned to the audience (yes, I had an audience) and selecting one poor bastard to be my "foe". "Hey! Hey Butters! Come here a minute!" _Oh HELL NO!_

Butters's eyes widened in fear and he gulped, reluctantly stepping up in front of me, taking a wary battle stance. My eyes temporarily lit up in rage. _I am NOT attacking Butters, I don't care WHAT this wizard says!_ Why the thought of attacking Butters angered me so, I had no idea, but I knew that it did, and I was not going to blindly follow the wizard's orders this time. I prepared Cup-a-Spell again, readying the attack as Butters closed his eyes, waiting for my attack. Then, smirking, I turned on my heel, tossing the enclosed fart full-force into the face of the Grand Wizard himself. As the fatass fell backwards, partly from the force of the fart and partly from shock, the entire yard erupted into a chorus of laughter. Many of the warriors fell to the ground, clutching at their aching sides. Craig and Tweek had to lean on each other for support and Kenny almost died (he looked dead for a second). I also saw that Token had his phone out, recording the entire thing. I motioned for Craig to tell Token to send me the video later, turning my attention back to Cartman as he staggered to his feet, murder in his eyes.

"WHAT THE HELL, DOUCHEBAG!" he bellowed, stomping up to me, "I TOLD YOU TO ATTACK BUTTERS, NOT ME!"

"Not so funny now, is it?" Kenny muttered angrily as Butters placed himself between me and the fuming wizard.

"Don't blame Douchebag!" the paladin begged, holding his arms out, "He just slipped! I saw it! He slipped on the snow!"

The infuriated fatass narrowed his eyes, not quite buying the paladin's words. Still, after seeing me grip my dagger, he backed down, giving me and Butters the "I-won't-forget-this" look. "Very well, Douchebag. Just remember; never do that on a man's balls." He then called everyone to assemble.

"Attention!" Cartman yelled, ignoring the snickers that still filled the kingdom, "If the carrier ravens are correct, the Bard is hiding out at the Inn of the Giggling Donkey. We must find him before he's able to take the Stick back to the Elven Forest."

"Let us find the Bard and bring him to justice!" Butters yelled, holding his hammer in the air.

"Make haste to the Giggling Donkey!" the Wizard commanded as he led the rest of us out of the kingdom.

As we made our way through the neighborhood, Butters stayed at the back of the group, pulling me aside.

"What did you think you were doing?" he asked me, his voice a hoarse whisper, "Eric's gonna kill you now."

I gave Butters a "look-at-all-the-fucks-I-give" look, patting him reassuringly on the back as we caught up with the rest of the group. He still looked worried, but I wasn't.

"There it is." the Wizard said gravely as we hid behind some bushes, "The Inn of the Giggling Donkey."

I was slightly confused. The building in front of us looked like an ordinary blue-violet house, the same building structure as most of the houses in South Park. Although, I had to admit, it was a very pretty color.

Cartman, unfazed by the house's ordinary appearance, turned to Butters. "Paladin, are you sure the Bard is hiding out in there?"

"That's what Twitter says." Butters replied.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Carrier raven, Butters!"

Butters flinched. "Sorry, that's what to carrier raven says."

_Ah. So the "carrier raven" is Twitter. Cool._

Cartman then turned to the rest of us. "Craig, Tweek, and Token, guard to back door. Butters, Kenny, Sir Douchebag, let's go inside." he commanded, leading us inside while the other three went around the back.

Inside, the Giggling Donkey was nothing like the normal-looking outside, but could only be described as an old-school bar, like one would see in the movies. Kids dressed in criminal outfits sat at tables, with one kids standing behind a table, dressed as a bartender, with several barrels of Gatorade behind him. All eyes fell on us as we entered.

Cartman came up beside me, muttering into my ear, "Stay close, Sir Douchebag. The Inn of the Giggling Donkey harbors the scum of all Zaron."

My eyebrows came together. I had sensed that already. Butters grabbed my hand, looking nervous, and held it, which I had no objections to.

Cartman leaned on the bartender's table, speaking to him casually, "A glass of meedlewine, please."

"No meedlewine today. Only fairy ale." The bartender replied monotonously, sounding slightly bored.

"A pint of fairy ale, then." Cartman said, shrugging. As the bartender handed him a cup of green Gatorade, Cartman looked around and asked as nonchalantly as he could, "So, has anyone seen the Bard lately?"

At that moment, the music that had been playing in the background stopped, and every pair of eyes in the bar turned toward us, glaring menacingly. Someone coughed as Cartman looked around, slightly nervous.

"A cup of fairy ale isn't much if not accompanied by some bardic poems and songs." he said, trying to maintain a casual air. I stepped forward, letting go of Butters's hand (much to his displeasure) as I silently challenged anyone to fight me. Nobody moved.

"Sure, he's here, alright." the bartender said, breaking the silence, "He's got a room down in the cellar."

Hearing this, I turned back to the bartender, eyeing him suspiciously. _The cellar? Why the cellar? If this Bard is a performer, as he has been made out to be, wouldn't he be staying somewhere a little bit more, I don't know, public? Smells like a trap._

Cartman didn't seem to notice. "Then I shall pay handsomely for his services." he said, finishing off the "fairy ale" and throwing some coins on the table. "Sir Douchebag." he addressed me, telling me to follow, which I did after motioning for Kenny and Butters to follow me.

When we got to the cellar, Cartman, once again, began giving orders. "Butters, Douchebag, go down and flush him out. Princess Kenny and I will be waiting up here to murder him. Remember, the Bard can use songs to enchant. Don't let him get to you."

Butters and I both nodded, heading down into the cellar. As the door closed behind us, plunging us into nearly-total darkness, Butters grabbed onto my arm, whispering fearfully, "Do you think the Bard is really down here?"

I looked at my companion. Even though I couldn't see any of the details of his face, I knew that his light-blue eyes were wide and terrified. I growled suddenly, turning toward the back corner of the room. I had seen a shadow move in that direction, with several others doing the same. I pulled Butters close to my side, silently telling him to be quiet, which he understood.

_I knew it. This was a trap. My guess is that the Bard is waiting for us in that back corner, with several other elves to back him up._ I sighed. _I was really hoping that I could get by without using this, at least for a little while, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let these bastards hurt Butters._

I closed my eyes, feeling Butters shiver against my side as the aura I was giving off changed from wary to deadly. I could feel him turn to that we were facing each other, his hands gripping my arms tightly.

"Douchebag?" Butters asked uncertainly, shaking me gently. I growled again, not at him, but at the shadows, letting them know that I knew they were there. I then hissed, this time in pain, as a stronger presence made itself known.

"Oh Jesus! It's the Bard!" Butters cried in terror, shaking me in an attempt to regain my attention.

I heard the sound of crutches on the ground as a voice proclaimed challengingly, "Prepare for battle, we-we-weaklings! Elves, fall in!"

I raised my head, sensing the shadows gather around us. I knew it was still dark, since Butters was still looking around frantically for the unseen enemies. Butters shook me, begging me to open my eyes, and, unable to stand the burning sensation in my eyes any longer, I obliged, causing Butters to fall back in shock.

My eyes were no longer pitch black like usual, but were instead glowing red. I growled again, causing the shadows to back down temporarily. I then turned back to Butters, fully expecting him to make a bee-line for the door, but he shocked me (he seems to have a talent for that). Rather than running, he simply stepped back to my side, still gripping my arm, and asked, "Where are they?"

I looked around, glaring at the elves, who were now frozen in terror. Now that my eyes were no longer hindered by darkness, I could also make out a clear image of the Bard. He was a cripple, as I already surmised from the sound of crutches, with his legs twisted and useless for walking. His crutches were attached to his arms and his eyes were turned permanently upward. He was also holding a lute.

The Bard's eyes widened as he looked at me, shuddering as my eyes bore into him. Still, the elves had quite a lot of pride, so he ordered his men to attack. I also heard Cartman cry out, "Douchebag! It's a trap!" as he and Kenny were dragged away.

"You should not have come here, h-humans." the Bard stated, trying to hide his fear as I stared at him, my blood-red eyes showing no mercy, "I am a level 10 bard, and with my lute, I shall power up my elven guards with magical songs of ench- With magical songs of encha-" he then began to stutter, which continued as we all waited patiently for him to finally say, "With magical songs of enchantment!"

Despite the Bard's attempts at intimidation, the room was still dark, so the elves were at the same disadvantage as Butters and I. However, with my vision heightened, I could now see perfectly. After making sure that Butters was out of harm's way (he couldn't fight in the dark, either), I lunged at the elves. They could see me well enough, courtesy of my glowing red eyes, but the superiority radiating from my eyes froze my enemies in their tracks, allowing me to take them all out at once.

With his guards defeated, the Bard fled muttering, "Wow. W-What a butt-kicking…"

With the elves defeated, my eyes returned to normal, plunging me back into darkness. I put my hand on my left eye, where I could feel my scar burning in agony. I also felt a familiar warm liquid oozing from it and I knew that activation of the sight had reopened it, just like it always did. I'll never forgive that bastard.

With my energy drained, I fell to my knees, leaning against another body as a pair of arms encircled me. I looked up, my obsidian eye (the one that didn't had blood in it) locking with the pair of sky blue ones that were gleaming with tears. I patted his shoulder, letting him know that I was okay, and tried to get up, only to have the little paladin pull me closer, his body quivering with a mixture of fear and relief.

"Douchebag! You're okay! Thank God! Please don't scare me like that again!" he sobbed, rocking back and forth as he held me close, using one of his "healing cloths" to wipe the blood from my left eye. My mind swarmed with guilt as I leaned against my friend. I hadn't meant to scare him. However, before Butters could say anything else, we heard someone clear their throat.

"Hey, lovebirds! Hate to break up the lovefest, but we ARE in the middle of a game, here." an elf growled. Looking up, I only just noticed that the lights had been turned on and there was another group of elves in the room. Butters turned red as I narrowed my eyes (now that both could actually open). After shooting down a lamp and setting some of the boxes on fire, I used Cup-a-Spell to blow them up, knocking out all of the elves (except one, which I let go after he begged for mercy)

"That's what you get for being mean to people!" Butters said to the remaining elf, a victorious smile on his face. I allowed a small smile of approval as I made my way to the door, only to find it locked.

"Ah, hamburgers! What are we gonna do now?" Butters asked, frustrated. I was about to shrug when I heard someone call me.

"Hey! Douchebag! Up here!" I looked up to see my thief-brother Craig standing at a window that led outside. An arrow was all it took to get Craig inside. The taller boy then climbed in and walked up to the door, stating in his characteristic monotone, "I'll handle this." With the door open, Butters rushed off, spouting a bunch of battle cries, but I hung back. I could tell that Craig wanted to speak to me. Token and Tweek were nowhere in sight.

As silently as ever, Craig looked in the direction that Butters had just run off in, then looked at me, making several familiar gestures to me. My eyes widened and I blushed slightly, looking in the same direction. I then looked back at Craig, closing my eyes and nodding before placing my middle finger over my lips, glaring at the other thief. Craig nodded, a sly smile on his face. A sly look of my own reminded him that he wasn't one to talk, to which he glared at me and climbed back out the window. As I followed after my companion, I felt my face heat up again, not even trying to deny the truth in what Craig had just said.

_I'm falling for Butters._


	9. Attack on Elf!

Once I managed to stagger back into the living room (using the sight tends to leave me drained, especially with this bloody scar), I saw Butters waiting patiently for me. He caught me as I staggered forward, eyes filled with concern.

"Aaaah! Someone, help!" I heard Cartman yell from the kitchen.

"They're beating up the Grand Wizard in the kitchen." Butters informed me, not sounding too concerned. If anything, he seemed more worried about me. "Are you okay, Douchebag?"

I just nodded, entering the kitchen. Butters stuck close to my side, keeping a firm grip on my arm in case I were to collapse again. There were two elves kicking Cartman, who was lying on the floor, helpless. His staff lay at his side. A third elf "stood guard" nearby (he was actually playing with his phone). I took him out by shooting a light that hung overhead, and Butters defeated the other two in combat (he's gotten much better at fighting since we teamed up).

With the elves out of the way, Butters kneeled at my side, saying, "Your word is my command, my lord. Shall I heal the King, my lord?" He then added hopefully, "Or maybe let him suffer just a little more?"

I smiled at his innocently evil nature (he seems to have a gift of making me smile), raiding the cabinets and fridge before looking around to see if I missed anything. When Cartman cleared his throat, reminding us that he was still there, I went over to him and reached for one of his coat pockets.

"Hey! I'm not dead, you can't loot me yet!" he growled at me. I sighed in disappointment, reluctantly commanding Butters to heal the fallen wizard. As Butters held up Cartman's head, the wizard coughed up a red substance. It wasn't blood, but it did leave me wondering just what it was.

"His powers were…too strong…" he wheezed (fake), "The Bard…he's up in one of the rooms." He then poured a packet of ketchup into his mouth, spitting it back up as he coughed again. _Oh_. "They took Princess Kenny! They took her upstairs, I'm sure they're gonna rape her! Don't let them rape Princess Kenny!" Cartman then collapsed to the ground again with a soft "Meh."

Butters turned to me, the worried look reappearing on his face. I nodded, heading out of the kitchen. Butters, still worried about my physical condition, reclaimed my arm, not letting go except to battle or to let me use my arrows. As much as I wanted to assure the little paladin that I was alright, I was still weak and the precaution was probably necessary (he wouldn't even let me fight, which was probably wise).

In the living room, we heard the Bard yell, "The Wizard King is done for! Take out the New Kid while I make contact with the King of Elves!" The other elves cheered with enthusiasm.

Butters looked at me fearfully, gripping my arm more tightly. I placed my hand over his briefly before blowing up the barricades (they should really know better than to leave open flames lying around). The explosions also knocked out some of the elves, which was beneficial.

"Hey! Open the door!" I suddenly heard Tweek yell from outside. There was a barricade in front of the front door, but a Cup-a-Spell on a lamp took care of it. As Token, Tweek, and Craig barged in, destroying the other barriers, we faced off against a powerful elf with a gas mask.

"I'm gonna mess you up, dude." He said, his voice artificially deepened by his gas mask.

"Not if I can help it!" Butters growled, charging at the elf. However, he was intercepted by another elf, who kept him away from the leader. The same thing happened to Craig's group, leaving me to face the lead elf on my own. I growled, taking out my dagger as I prepared for battle.

"That gas mask means that my fart techniques won't work, and an enemy this strong cannot be stunned. At least I can make him bleed." I thought as I lunged at the elf, slashing his side as he tried to dodge. His eyes narrowed as he struck me with his wooden sword, knocking me to the ground. I heard Butters scream my nickname, the distress in his voice evident (an odd combination, someone screaming "Douchebag!" with a distressed tone), but I ignored him, focusing on the battle. I crouched low to the ground, slicing the elf's knees. However, due to my weakened state, I couldn't make the gash deep enough to bring my opponent down. As the elf kicked me down and raised his sword, I held my arm in front of my face, waiting for the finishing blow. But the blow never came. I chanced a glance from behind my arm, and saw my opponent lying in front of me, unconscious. Looking up, I saw Butters standing over the fallen elf, his hammer at his side, the look on his face unreadable. I smiled up at him gratefully, trying to stand up, only to fall into his arms again. Knowing that I didn't have the strength to stand, I leaned against him for a minute, not really caring what anyone thought. I felt Butters gulp at the contact, but he didn't pull away. Instead, he pulled me closer and stroked my back, whispering gently, "I got your back, yo."

I opened my eyes again, remembering that I still had a mission to finish (I hate leaving unfinished business), and reluctantly pulled away, shaking as I struggled to get to my feet. Butters had his arm around my waist, trying to support me as best he could. I glanced up the stairs, knowing that I still had to save Kenny (I seriously doubt they'd rape him, but I still don't like leaving my friends in enemy hands), when Token, Tweek, and Craig came running up to us. Their concern was almost as apparent as Butters's. Craig was the first one to speak.

"Oh my god! Are you alright?!" he asked, a worried tone piercing through the usual apathy.

"Oh S-Sweet Jesus! He isn't dying, is he?!" Tweek shrieked, slinging to Craig as he looked at Butters.

"Oh golly, I sure hope not!" Butters replied, sounding close to tears.

Token, being the more mature member of the group, came up to me, his expression one of disciplined calm. He placed his hand on my head, which helped. My head was killing me.

"He hasn't been seriously injured, maybe a bruise or two, but I can tell that he's in pain."

I cringed. "He's right." I thought as I tried to regain normal breathing, "The pain in my head and the weakness in my body are normal after-effects of using the sight. Still, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep fighting in this state."

My expression became determined as I stood up on my own (although Butters wouldn't let go of my arm) and I looked at the others. Craig and Butters were the only ones who could read my expression, but they'd translate it for the others. I was going to see this through to the end. _Him_, on the other hand…

"Oh yeah! The Grand Wizard is in the kitchen. He's hurt pretty bad." Butters translated as I pointed to the kitchen.

"Well, my medicine skills are +4, but shouldn't we help you first?" Token asked, still concerned for my safety (and not so concerned about Cartman's). The other three agreed whole-heartedly.

I shook my head, standing up straight and, managing to fight the pain and fatigue, headed upstairs. The healing abilities in this game wouldn't do much for me, not in that condition. Even Butters's assistance earlier was more psychological than actual healing. Cartman wasn't really hurt, so they'd actually be able to do something for him.

Everyone looked on worriedly, but knew better than to argue further. They last thing I needed was to have to fight my own comrades. Craig nodded.

"Very well." he said, sighing in defeat, "Token, Tweek, and I will help the Wizard. You two save the Princess." And with that, he headed for the kitchen, with Tweek and Token close behind. Butters, still unsure of my ability to fight, returned to his place beside me, keeping a steady grip on my arm, which God knows I needed.

Heading upstairs, we heard Kenny's muffled screams, accompanied by the sound of bouncing mattress springs. Butters gasped.

"Listen! They're raping the Princess right now! We have to bust in there!" he yelled, rushing toward the door that the noises were coming from. I followed more slowly, partially because I was still weak, but also because that did not sound like rape. Granted, I've never heard a rape before, but I have heard my parents having sex before, so I could tell that was not what was going on in that room.

Butters and I finally got the door open and barged in (well, Butters did) to see Kenny tied up and the elven captor…jumping on the bed.

_Rape, huh? _ I looked over at Butters, who was scratching the back of his head, laughing nervously. I rolled my eyes, shooting the leg of a table that was against the wall of the bedroom. Bringing down a light and some shelves as well, I created a path that allowed me to swing onto the bed (being weakened, I couldn't just jump up there, and Butters had to deal with the elf), breaking the bed in the process. Kenny thanked me gratefully (and a bit flirtatiously) as I freed him, leaving the room. As I jumped from the broken bed, I stumbled, causing Butters to grab my arm again.

"Good thing Jimmy's parents are out of town." Butters mumbled as he looked at the damage I had done. When I looked at him oddly, he explained, "Jimmy is the Bard's real name." I nodded in acknowledgement.

As Butters led me out of the room, I saw Cartman at the top of the stairs, along with Craig's gang. Cartman, spotting Kenny, ran over to us after commanding Craig to open the other door (which was where Jimmy was hiding).

"Princess Kenny! How badly did they rape you?" he asked the moment he got to us.

"Oh, they didn't rape me." Kenny replied, shrugging.

"Oh." Cartman said, sounding disappointed. This earned him a glare from Kenny, Butters, and myself. However, before that could escalate, Craig cut in.

"I can't get through! The door appears to be enchanted so I can't turn the knob!" he reported, returning to his place at the front of his group. Cartman approached the door and, when he couldn't turn the knob either, banged on the door with his staff.

"You can't hold the doorknob, Bard! That's cheating!" he yelled.

"Yeah I can. I have the Stick of Truth, which means that I control the universe, and I say holding the doorknob is okay." Jimmy replied from the other side of the door, sounding triumphant.

"Ah! Can he do that?" Cartman cried indignantly.

"He has the Stick of Truth. He can do what he wants." Craig replied matter-of-factly.

"Dammit!" Cartman cried in frustration, trying to turn the knob again, "There's got to be another way into this room!"

From my place against Butters, I looked up and noticed an elf hiding in the attic. I smirked and tapped Kenny's shoulder, gaining his attention, and pointed to the elf, activating the Buddy Command.

"Your word is my command, my lord." he said all-too-happily, walking into the elf's sight and pulling down his shirt, showing off his "boobs".

"Oh yeah! Let's see what we got here!" the elf whistled, lowering the ladder he had with him and climbing down, "I'm coming for ya, baby! Oh yeah! Ooooh, those are some big ol' bitties. Man, oh man."

Kenny giggled, just like he did with the ginger hall monitor, and knocked him out with his mirror. _How does that keep working?_

Cartman laughed. "Good job. Princess gone wild. Double D buddy power." he said, eating a bag of Cheesy Poofs. I ignored him, nodding my thanks to Kenny and slowly climbing the ladder. Kenny stayed down with the others (he seemed to prefer seduction to battle), but Butters insisted on coming with me, earning some mocks from Cartman ("Oooo. Looks like Butters has a new boyfriend. Maybe he'll be the bottom bitch this time."), who was then smacked by Kenny, Token, Tweek, and Craig. I rolled my eyes, not really caring, but I did take note of the fact that Butters, in his embarrassed response to Cartman, was blushing.

The attic was dark, so it was difficult to see, but I knew that there were elves hiding up here. Not wanting a repeat of the last ambush, I prepared to reactivate the sight, just long enough to get a clear image of my surroundings. However, just as my eyes began heating up, Butters slapped me, sending me to the floor. I looked up at him, astonished and a little hurt, but before I could stand up, he pulled me to his chest, tears forming in his eyes.

"Please don't do that again, Douchebag." he whispered, his voice cracking, "I know what you were doing. You were going to do that weird thing with your eyes again! You can't! You still haven't recovered from the last time you did that!" The desperation in his voice was almost overpowering. I nodded, not wanting to upset the distressed blond further. When he was sure that I wasn't going to try to use the sight again, he helped me back to my feet. "I'm sorry, Douchebag. I just don't want you to suffer anymore." he whimpered, looking at me apologetically. I just nodded, letting him know that I understood why he hit me. He smiled and looked at my hand, which I let him hold. Then, once I was sure the matter was settled, I turned back to the task at hand.

Using the light from the candles in the room, I saw that there were two elves in the attic. Due to my weakened state, Butters insisted that I avoid unnecessary battles, so I looked around for another way to defeat them. When I noticed that both elves were standing near a candle (open to the air), I used Cup-a-Spell on it, using the blast to knock out the two elves. I leaned on Butters, feeling tired and a little dizzy.

"Golly! Are you okay, Douchebag?" Butters gasped, concerned. I could feel heat radiating from his face and neck. _He's blushing again. I wonder why._ I nodded, my head still on his shoulder. I was getting really dizzy. Another after-effect. Damn that bastard.

After the world stopped doing somersaults, I opened my eyes and looked around, noticed, with the light of the remaining lamp, that there was a heavy-looking suitcase perched precariously on a shelf. Taking out my arrows, I shot a joint in the shelf, causing the suitcase to fall…straight through the floor. Butters gasped, looking around nervously. I just smirked at how well my plan worked.

Jumping down from the ceiling (I would have fallen if it weren't for Butters), I saw Jimmy holding the Stick, gaping at the destruction I had caused. Ignoring him, I ordered Butters to open the door, letting the group waiting outside enter. As they filed in, the Wizard and the Bard faced off…

"You have nowhere to run, Bard! Give us the Stick of Truth!"

"Take it from me if you can, W-Wizard King! Step forward now and fulfill your d-d-d-destiny!"

"You are no match for a Grand Wizard!"

"The Stick belongs with us, and I shall use every bardic power in my class to keep it from you!"

"Fine! You wanna throw down, brah?"

…or so I thought.

"Kick his ass, Douchebag!" Cartman commanded me. _What?_

"Who is Douchebag?" Jimmy asked, having never heard my nickname before.

"That's SIR Douchebag to you! And he's about to teach you some manners, Bard!" Cartman replied confidently, stepping aside.

"Why me?" I thought, not looking forward to another battle, "Do I look like a Grand Wizard?" My dizziness was getting worse, too.

"You can't do that, Eric!" Butters cried, standing in front of me protectively, "Douchebag is hurt! He's in no condition to fight!"

"Silence, Paladin! Who are you to question the Grand Wizard?!" Cartman barked back, adding with a smirk, "You're just pissy because you don't want to see your little boyfriend get hurt."

Butters began stammering, his face bright red. I looked at him, wondering if the fatass really spoke the truth. Our eyes met, and he looked away quickly, his eyes shining as he backed away. Surprisingly, before Cartman could continue, Craig came to Butters's rescue.

"He's right, Cartman. Sir Douchebag has been weakened by his previous battles." he said in Butters defense, as well as my own.

"Y-Yeah! Sir Douchebag has fought almost all the elves here! He deserves a rest! And coffee! Gah!" Tweek added, much to my (and everyone else's) surprise.

"the New Kid can't fight all of your battles, Cartman." Token addressed the Wizard directly (he refuses to use my given nickname), causing Catman to go on an indignant rant that included plenty of swearing and name-calling.

While this was going on, I staggered over to Jimmy and held out my dagger, challenging him myself. No one else noticed, as they were too busy arguing with Cartman (except Butters, who was strangely absent). I remembered what Craig had told me happened to Tweek, curtesy of the Bard, and I was going to make him pay for that.

"So, you challenge me yourself?" Jimmy asked, seeming unsure as to whether or not he should really fight me. Then, remembering what I had done to his comrades in the cellar, he took out his lute, preparing a spell, "Very well. T-Take the Stick from me, if you can!"

"Forgive me, Butters." I thought as I closed my eyes again. It was clear that the only way to defeat the Bard was to use the sight again. Hissing against the agony that accompanied its activation, I opened my eyes, freezing the Bard mid-note.

Taking advantage of the Bard's vulnerability, I lunged at him, slashing his arms. Kneeling, he attempted to play a lullaby to slow me down, but it had no effect. My rage would not be pacified. Narrowing my eyes, I lunged again, knocking him back. Unable to get back up, the Bard held up the Stick in surrender.

"A-Alright! You win! T-Take the Stick!" he cried in defeat. That, everyone heard.

"Alright! Way to go, Douchebag!" Cartman cheered, while everyone else just stared at me in shock and awe. They hadn't seen my eyes glowing red, so they didn't know how I defeated the Bard, just that I had, even in my weakened state.

As Cartman took the Stick back, I staggered backward, swaying back and forth before collapsing as the pain completely overwhelmed me. I barely even noticed that my scar had started bleeding again. Craig and Token caught me, and I vaguely heard Craig order Tweek to find Butters before I passed out, one final thought entering my mind before I blacked out completely.

_I'm sorry._


	10. Butters' Very Own Chapter

"What am I gonna do? Douchebag probably hates me now!" I thought as I lay curled up in the corner of the bathroom. Tears were streaming down my face and I felt like a knife had been driven through my chest. I felt so lost and alone. "Why me? Why does this shit always happen to me?"

My name is Leopold Stotch, but everyone calls me Butters. I'm a paladin who fights alongside the humans to protect the Stick of Truth, which controls the universe. Lately (since today), I've been partnered with a kid who just moved to town. Most people call him Douchebag, which is what the Grand Wizard, Eric, decided to call him. No one knows his real name. He's a thief who was recently recruited to Kupa Keep, and now he's the best warrior we've got. Douchebag and I have gotten really close, even though he's only been here a day, to the point where I can tell what he's thinking just by the energy he gives off (which is convenient, since he never talks). But that's where the problem lies, and it's why I'm in the state I'm in now.

I haven't told anyone this, but I'm actually gay. I try to cover it up by pretending to have interest in girls (I was even a pimp for a time), but I can't deny it. Especially now that I've developed strong romantic feelings for my new comrade.

I've tried to rationalize how I feel. I've told myself that I'm just interested in him because he's new, and that my feelings will fade once I get to know him better. But I know that's a lie. I always want to be with him. I can't keep my hands off him. He hasn't complained yet, at least not out loud, but that's probably because he never talks at all. But now that Eric has started teasing us, I'm sure the New Kid wants nothing to do with me. I know he doesn't like me, nobody does. And that thought is what has me sobbing uncontrollably on the floor.

I stood at the sink, washing my reddened face and eyes. As I was drying off my face with a towel, I heard footsteps outside the door, along with a frantic voice calling my name.A voice I recognized instantly.

"Tweek! What's the matter?" I asked as I opened the door, grabbing the frantic blond as I did so. Tweek and I had always been good friends, since both of us are rejects of Eric's group and we're both sort of outcasts of society. He seemed really upset, but Tweek was really paranoid, especially when Craig wasn't around, so he was probably freaking out over nothing. Still, I needed to calm him down.

"Butters! There you are! Oh, thank god!" Tweek cried once he noticed who had his arm. He then started freaking out again when he saw my face. "Oh my god! A-Are you c-crying?!"

"Oh." I muttered, wiping my eyes, "Yeah, but it's okay. I'm okay. What's got you so freaked out?"

Tweek's eyes widened again. "Oh yeah! You've got to come to Jimmy's room! Now!"

I looked at him oddly. "Why?"

Tweek spazzed. "W-Well, Craig, Token, and I were arguing with Cartman, so we didn't actually see it, but we heard Jimmy yelling, and when we looked, we saw him on the ground, bleeding! And Sir Douchebag was standing over him and he had the Stick!"

I was shocked._ Douchebag actually managed to defeat Jimmy, even in his weakened state?_ "That's amazing." I muttered. _He's amazing._

Tweek spazzed again. "Yeah, that was a good thing, but then…" He trailed off. I got worried.

"What is it? What's wrong?" I asked him. When he remained silent, I grabbed his shoulders, "What happened? Is Douchebag okay?"

Tweek looked around frantically. "Well, we all went to congratulate him, but then he started shaking, and his eyes were losing focus, and then…" He stopped again. Now I was scared.

"What?! Spit it out already!" I was starting to panic.

Tweek finally snapped. "He passed out!"

I froze, searching my friend's face for any signs of deceit. I found none. _Passed out? Why? Did Jimmy injure him that badly? But that's not Jimmy's style. Unless…_ My breath caught in my throat as I looked at Tweek again, asking the question before I choked on it.

"Tweek…" I began, my voice terrifyingly low, "Was the scar on Douchebag's eye bleeding?"

Tweek's eyes widened even further (if that was possible) as he spazzed again. "Gah! Yeah! How'd you know?! Oh god! What if you're psychic?! How am I supposed to deal with a psychic friend?! Oh Jesus!"

My heart almost stopped as I came to a horrible realization. _No…_

Feeling sick to my stomach, I ran to Jimmy's room, Tweek right behind me.

The first thing I saw when we got there was Eric bragging to Jimmy about getting the Stick back. Then I looked to the right and my concern turned to ice-cold fear.

Douchebag was lying on the floor, completely unconscious. Token and Kenny were kneeling at his side, doing everything they could to wake him up. Craig was standing at his head, comforting Tweek, who was freaking out over how "dead" Douchebag looked. And for once, his fears were justified.

Douchebag's face was white as a sheet and his breathing was weak and labored. Other than the slight rise and fall of his chest, he wasn't moving, and he did look dead at a first glance. I walked over to the group, unable to keep myself from trembling.

"Butters! You're back!" Token said when he saw me, sounding relieved, "I need your help. Nothing I do seems to work!" He looked down at the fallen Douchebag, his equipment spread out around him.

I kneeled by my comrade's other side, lifting him so that he was leaning against me. I sent all of the healing energy I had to him, stroking my hand over his scarred left eye, which was still bleeding. "Walk it off, buddy." I whispered, placing a cloth over his eye, "Come on, Douchebag. Wake up. Please?" I whimpered as I started to beg. He wasn't responding. I could feel fresh tears forming at the corners of my eyes again.

"Don't worry, Butters. I'm sure he's gonna be okay." Token tried to assure me. Kenny nodded in agreement. I looked up at them.

"What happened during the battle?" I asked.

Token and Kenny looked at each other guiltily. "Well, we were still arguing with Cartman, and the battle was so quick that it was over before we had even realized what had happened. By the time we started paying attention, Jimmy was down, and Douchebag had the Stick of Truth. We all got to him just as he collapsed." Token explained, ashamed that he didn't help Douchebag fight. Kenny kept his eyes on the floor, not willing to look at either Douchebag or myself.

I looked at Jimmy, who was now arguing with Eric. He was covered with cuts and bruises, with two especially deep gashes on his arms. I reluctantly lay Douchebag back on the floor and walked over to them.

"Well, well. Sup, fag?" Eric sneered when he saw me, laughing. I ignored him, turning to Jimmy.

"What happened to Douchebag?" I asked him, ignoring Eric's continued taunts.

Jimmy shuddered. "I-I don't know what happened to him. I couldn't even touch him. One moment he was in f-front of m-me, barely standing, the next he was lunging at me, faster than my eyes could f-f-follow. I don't know why he collapsed, I swear!" he explained, not wanting another fight.

"His eyes." I said softly, "What color were his eyes?"

Jimmy's eyes widened as he thought about my question. "T-They were b-black before we started f-fighting, but then they turned r-r-red, and that's when he attacked!"

My eyes must have looked like dinner plates. _I knew it! He DID use those eyes to fight! _I fought back my tears as I ran back over to Douchebag's side. _Why did he have to use his eyes again? Is this stupid game really that important?!_

"Token, help me lift Douchebag onto my back. I'll carry him back to his house. He won't wake up for a while." I commanded the Healer. He nodded, not really understanding the situation, but not questioning me. I never gave orders to anyone, so the fact that I was ordering him around now meant that this was important. Once my friend was on my back, I headed out of the Inn. Eric tried to order me to return to Kupa Keep, but I just flipped him off, not really caring what he said.

Douchebag broke his promise to not use that weird eye power, and he probably hates me, but that doesn't change that fact that I love him, and I will do everything I can to help him.


	11. Thief and Paladin Unite

"Ugh. My head is pounding." were the first words that entered my head, quickly followed by "Where am I?"

I slowly opened my eyes, shutting them again as I was temporarily blinded by the lights in my room. _Wait, my room?!_

I sat up suddenly, trying to see what was going on, only to collapse onto my bed again, gasping as the pain in my head overwhelmed me.

"Please don't move so suddenly, Douchebag. You're still weak." a familiar voice said softly. My eyes opened again, wider this time. _Butters!_

I looked to my right and, sure enough, there was Butters sitting on the bed next to me. He was wearing a light blue shirt and dark green pants. His paladin outfit was lying in a corner of the room, with my thief outfit next to it. I was in my usual outfit, too. I took another good look at Butters and noticed that he'd been crying.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, placing a hand on my forehead. I grunted, trying to sit up again. Butters helped me, placing some pillows against my back. When I looked up again, I saw that he was glaring at me. I gulped.

"What were you thinking?" he asked me, his expression hurt. I could tell he wanted to yell, but didn't because of my head. "You promised you wouldn't do that eye thing again!"

I looked down, no longer able to look at him. I knew he wouldn't forgive me, but I had no choice. If I hadn't gotten the Stick back, Cartman would not have let it slide. Plus, someone had to put the Bard back in his place. Even though I wasn't looking at Butters, I could feel that he was shaking. I chanced another look at him and instantly regretted it.

He was no longer glaring at me, but instead was staring at his hands, tears falling from his eyes. "You promised." he whimpered, sending a wave of guilt over my being, "Is this game really that important to you?"

I continued to look at my friend, feeling horrible. Then, not knowing what else to do, I reached forward and pulled him into a hug, just like he did after he slapped me. Butters tensed as he fell against my chest, but he didn't struggle and soon relaxed, returning the embrace as he cried into my shoulder.

After a while, just as Butters was starting to calm down, the doorbell rang, and I heard an unfamiliar male voice talking to my dad. I felt Butters stiffen as his arms tightened around me.

"S-Sounds like my dad's here." he muttered, his words muffled in the fabric of my shirt. I growled. I didn't want Butters to leave. Narrowing my eyes, I pulled out my phone and quickly sent out a text message, just as my door flew open to admit my father, followed immediately by a man I didn't recognize, who I assumed to be Butters's father.

"Butters! What do you think you're doing?" the unfamiliar man bellowed. Butters flinched.

"Uh…" he began, but I typed a message and showed it to him.

**Do you like hot chocolate?**

"Uh, yeah?" he whispered, confused. I nodded, holding him tighter as I looked his father directly in the eye, challenging him to take Butters away from me. He was getting nervous, as most people do when I stare at them.

"Butters! I'm talking to you! You've got some explaining to do, young man!" he yelled, trying desperately to regain control of the situation, "Let go of that boy right now! That is not appropriate behavior!"

Butters shuddered, reluctantly pulling away. "Yes sir." he said sadly.

"Don't you "yes sir" me! You are grounded, mister!" Mr. Stotch barked back, "Come on. We're going home. You've caused the Amsels enough trouble."

"Amsel?" Butters asked, turning back to me, "Your last name is Amsel?" I nodded in confirmation.

Butters sighed, moving to get off the bed. I glared at the two men and, in defiance, grabbed Butters and wrapped my arms around him, making him shiver.

"Uh, Douchebag?" Butters asked me quietly (not doubt he'd be in even bigger trouble if his father heard my nickname).

Both Butters's father and my own looked like they were about to explode. However, before either one could open his mouth, my mother came in, carrying two cups of hot chocolate.

"Hello there. You must be Butters's father. Pleased to meet you." she said pleasantly, as she always did when talking to strangers. 

"What are you doing, dear?" my father asked her, "Who is the hot chocolate for?"

"Oh, they're for Sage and Butters." my mom replied, "I got a text from Sage telling me that he and Butters were cold and that they wanted some hot chocolate." She handed the cups to me and Butters, who was looking at me, his eyes seeming to sparkle.

"That would explain the cuddling." my father mumbled, glaring at the floor. He didn't like it when I out-witted him. My mother then turned to Butters's father.

"Mr. Stotch, I am very grateful to your son." she began, startling him, "My son had gotten hurt while playing, and your son carried him all the way back here. I can't thank him enough." Butters's father was taken aback, not entirely sure how to handle someone praising his son. However, before he, or my father, could respond, she continued, "However, I do have another request." She then turned back to us, speaking to Butters directly, "Sage is still getting used to this town, and he sometimes has trouble sleeping the first night in a new place." Butters looked at me and I nodded, ignoring my father's comment (cough*bullshit*cough). She continued, "If you don't mind, I think it would help if you slept over here tonight."

Everyone in the room, minus my mother and I, went wide-eyed at that request. Butters was speechless. He looked at me and I nodded again, looking at him with pleading eyes. He blinked, then turned back to my mom.

"Sure thing, Mrs. Amsel." he said, much to my relief, before addressing his father, "Please, dad?"

Mr. Stotch seemed to think about it before caving. "Alright, fine, Butters. But make sure you don't cause any trouble or you're grounded."

Butters and I smiled happily at each other and went back to drinking the hot chocolate my mom made. After Butters's father left and we finished our drinks, Butters addressed me.

"So your name is Sage Amsel." he said, and I nodded. "So, can I call you Sage instead of Douchebag?" he asked. I nodded again. He smiled again. Then his expression became serious.

"What is that thing you do with your eyes, anyway?" he asked me, looking at me with a strange intensity.

I flinched, staring down at the covers of my bed. _I want to tell him. I really do. But it is forbidden. And even if it weren't, there's no way I could tell him everything. It's too much to type, even on the computer, and writing is out of the question. Unless…_

Butters, taking my silence as a refusal, looked down as well and began stammering, "I-I'm sorry, Sage. I j-just wanted to know. You become really strong whenever you use those eyes, but they hurt you, too. I just want to know if there's something I can do to help you if you ever use them again. I mean, when I saw you lying unconscious after your battle with the Bard, I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. I should have been there to help you. Then maybe you wouldn't have had to use those eyes, and then maybe you wouldn't have passed out, and then maybe-"

"I'm sorry."

Butters looked up suddenly, his eyes like dinner plates, his rambling apology stopping completely. At first, I thought he had stopped breathing, but then he managed to stutter, "W-W-What did you say, Sage?"

I looked up at my friend. My precious friend. The little blond who I loved with all my heart. The friend that I loved enough to let him hear my voice. My real voice.

"I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain." I said, the sincerity in my voice scaring even me.

Butters continued to stare at me, speechless. I looked at him, concerned.

"Butters?" I asked uncertainly, waving my hand in front of his face. Suddenly, he pounced on me, strangling me in his excitement.

"You talked! You really talked! You even said my name!" he cried happily, grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Butters…" I gasped, "Can't…breathe…"

He let go, sitting back and letting me back up. "Oh gosh, sorry, Sage. I just thought I'd never hear you talk." He rubbed his knuckles together nervously.

I nodded in understanding. "I don't usually like to show my voice to people. I have to trust someone completely in order for me to speak with them directly. I haven't even spoken to my dad in years."

Butters' eyes began to shine, and I thought he was going to start crying again.

"Butters? Are you okay?" I asked. I did not want to upset him again. Butters looked up at me and smiled, even as tears streamed down his face.

"You…trust me? You really trust me?" When I nodded, he asked, "So you…don't…hate me?"

I looked at him incredulously. "Hate you? Why on earth would I hate you?"

Butters looked down again, shivering as he whimpered, "Well…everyone hates me. Even my parents. Nobody likes me." His shoulders shook with the cries he was desperately trying to hold in.

Unable to take it anymore, I grabbed the blond's shoulders, forcing him to look at me.

"I don't hate you." I told him, putting all the sincerity I had into those words, "You don't deserve hatred. You have shown me nothing but kindness. I have no reason to hate you." As Butters stared at me in shock, I looked down at the bed, my eyes darkening as my voice lowered. "If anything, you're the one who should hate me."

"What?!" Butters cried, looking at me with wide, disbelieving eyes, "Why would I hate you? You let me hang out with you without bossing me around, you put up with my…inappropriate tendencies, and you let me fight by your side, even though I'm not that good of a fighter."

"You're an excellent fighter, Butters." I said, letting go of his arms so that I could cross mine, "Recall how many times you've saved my ass."

"Only because you weakened them, first." he replied.

"So I guess that means we make a good team, each of us needing the other." I concluded.

Butters blinked in temporary confusion. "Uh…yeah, I guess we are!" he said, laughing. I smiled, glad to hear some happiness in my friend's voice again. Once his laughter had subsided, Butters looked at me nervously again.

"But…What about what Eric was saying? All the teasing…"

"Means nothing to me." I replied, leaning closer as I whispered in his ear, "Besides, I think he's just jealous."

As expected, Butters turned bright red, stuttering incoherently. I just smirked at his reaction, finding it cute. After a few moments, he finally managed to say something.

"So, uh…you…don't mind?"

"The teasing? Hell no." I replied dismissively.

"No, not that." Butters said, shaking his head, "You don't mind being called my…" he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence.

"Boyfriend?" I finished for him. He nodded, turning red again. _I knew it._

I leaned forward, looking directly into Butters' eyes. "Do YOU mind me being called your boyfriend?" I asked, never breaking eye contact.

Butters turned a shade that was slightly reminiscent of a tomato, and I felt my face heating up slightly as his eyes darted around the room. He stayed like that for a few minutes, so I let go of him, sitting back against the pillows (I still hadn't fully recovered from the day's events). I was about to apologize when I heard Butters mutter under his breath.

"No…"

I looked at him. "What?"

Butters looked up at me, scooting a little bit closer. "I don't mind you being called my boyfriend." he said quietly, "Actually, I wouldn't mind if…if you…"

"Yes?" I asked, urging him to continue.

He swallowed. "I…I wouldn't mind…if…if you were…" he trailed off again, turning a bright scarlet. I looked like he was going to start crying again, so I finished for him.

"If I really was your boyfriend?" I said, guessing.

Butters looked at me with wide eyes, then nodded as he looked back at the bed, tears flowing freely from his sky-colored eyes. I felt like I was having trouble breathing.

"Does that mean you…like me?" I asked, still not entirely willing to believe it. Butters shook his head.

"I-I don't l-like you, S-Sage…" he whimpered. I felt my heart starting to break, until I heard him say the words I had been wanting to hear from him since the battle at the Giggling Donkey.

"I love you!"

I stared at the little blond in complete astonishment. He buried his face in the covers of my bed, openly sobbing with fear of rejection. I smiled with pure joy.

"I'm sorry, Sage! Please don't hate me!" Butters sobbed, curling up on my bed. I crawled over to him and pulled him up by the arms, making him face me.

"Butters." I said gently, calling his attention back to me.

"Y-Yeah?" he sniffled.

"Well, here goes nothing." I thought, placing my hand behind Butters' head. Then, I pulled him forward, kissing him gently on the lips.

Butters' eyes widened, but he didn't pull away. After a few moments, he closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around my neck, deepening the kiss. I ran my tongue along his bottom lip, requesting entrance, which he happily granted. As our tongues met, I felt Butters moan into the kiss, pressing himself against me as our tongues danced together. I closed my eyes, feeling, for the first time in my life, complete bliss. However, oxygen deprivation meant that the moment couldn't last forever, and we separated, pressing our foreheads together as we caught our breath.

"I love you too, Butters." I said once I had enough air to form words. Butters looked up at me, his expression so loving that my face turned red just by looking at it. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my shoulder as he closed his eyes, a contented smile on his face. I returned the loving embrace, leaning back as I rested my head against his.

"So…does this make us a couple now?" Butters asked, looking up at me.

"Only if you want to be." I replied, meeting his gaze, "Do you want us to be a couple?"

"Oh yes!" Butters replied quickly, "By golly, of course I do!" He then let go of me and sat up so that he was facing me. "But first, can I ask you something?" When I nodded, he continued, "Could you tell me what that weird thing you do with your eyes is?"

I looked up at the ceiling, resting my head on the back of my bed. "I wish I could, Butters. I really do. But I can't. It's complicated, but I'm not allowed to reveal where the sight comes from." Butters nodded in understanding, although he looked disappointed, so I continued, "However, I can tell you this."

That caught his attention. "I have always had the sight, ever since I was born, but it didn't always weaken me the way it does now. The cause of that disadvantage…" I pointed to my left eye. "…lies in this scar. And that's a story I can tell you."

Butters leaned forward, showing that I had his full attention.

"It's not a very pleasant story, but it's one that I am free to tell whomever I choose."

_And this is how it goes_


	12. Story of the Scar

_Four years ago, when I was only five years old, I was being tracked by the government. Because of a strange ability that I had, one separate from the sight, the government wanted to use me for its own gain. My parents feared for my life, so they kept me in hiding, moving from place to place every few weeks. This went on for roughly a year before _they_ found me. They were part of a government group that specialized in investigating the supernatural. They were charged with searching for me and bringing me to the White House for investigation once I was found. They ambushed me at the hotel that my parents and I were staying at. My parents were out for a quiet evening by themselves, something they didn't get to do very often, and had therefore left me alone. The agents sneaked into our hotel room later in the evening, passed my bed time, in hopes of taking me while I was sleeping without making a fuss. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I never slept when there wasn't someone else around, so I was awake when they attacked. I ran out of the room in terror, however, they cornered me at the end of a hallway. The man leading the search approached me, holding a knife in his hand. I didn't understand why they wanted me. All I knew was that these people wanted to take me away and that their leader was threatening me with a knife. He tried to grab me, but I dodged him and ran between his legs, tripping him. I tried to get to the lobby, where there would hopefully be someone who could help me, but I was grabbed by the group's leader before I could reach the stairs. The hotel guards, who had been told by my parents that this could happen, confronted the kidnappers, and the leader put the knife to my throat, threatening to kill me as he made his way to the window they had come in through. As the leader tried to escape, a shootout began. In the commotion, I grabbed a pencil on a table we had passed and thrust it over my right shoulder, driving it through my captor's right eye. It didn't go deep enough to kill him, but it was enough to make him let go. The guards kept me from being taken away, but the lead agent, in his anger, used his knife to slash my left eye, leaving this scar. The hotel guards took me to the hospital and called my parents to let them know what had happened. _

_After the incident, my mother didn't let me out of her sight for six months, and never let me get too far from her for another six months, something my father still hasn't forgiven me for. The scar healed, but it became a hindrance to the sight. For one thing, every time I activate the sight, the scar reopens, which causes blood to get into my eye. Luckily, that usually only happens once I deactivate the sight. However, it also prevents me from controlling my energy as efficiently as I used to, which means that I have to use a lot more energy to maintain the sight. The lack of energy control also means that my body takes a lot more damage than it would otherwise, making the sight much more dangerous to use. Because of this, only use it as a last resort. I've never told anyone about this ability, since it would draw even more attention to myself, and I've definitely never told anyone about this weakness._

_Until now._


	13. Abduction!

As I finished the story of my past, I looked back to Butters. He was looking at me with wide eyes filled with fear, sympathy, astonishment, and rage. I waved my hand in front of his face for the second time that night in an attempt to elicit a reaction.

"Yoo-hoo. Earth to Butters."

Butters continued to stare at me, his eyes shining once more. "All of that…happened to you…and you were only FIVE?!" he asked/exclaimed, his voice cracking at the end. I just nodded. Butters' breath caught in his throat. He reached out hesitantly, toward the left side of my face, unsure of what I would allow. When his hand didn't move, I took hold of his wrist, guiding it to the scar on my eye. Seeming surprised, he gently ran his thumb across the area above my eye, as if trying not to hurt me. He cupped my face in his hands and I leaned into it, closing my eyes, appreciating the gentle touch.

"I-I'm sorry, Sage." Butters said, moving his thumb to the area below my eye. I looked at him in confusion.

"What are you sorry for, Butters?" I asked him, "None of this is your fault."

A tear ran down his face as he scooted closer to me. "I'm sorry…that you had to go through all that. And that I made you relive it." His breath caught again and he had to stop talking. His hand fell from my face and I caught it, pulling him into an embrace.

"I relive those memories every time I see this scar, every time the sight activates, and every time I go to sleep. Telling you of my past has not increased my pain. In fact, it has lessened it." I told him.

Butters looked up at me, wiping the tears from his eyes. "R-Really?" he asked, sniffling. I smiled, gently pressing my lips to his.

"Would I lie to you?" I asked when we separated.

Butters laughed. "That's so cliché."

"There's a reason people use them so much." I replied, "They work."

Butters nodded happily, resting his forehead against mine.

"So…are we a couple now?" I asked him, slightly nervous.

Butters opened his eyes and looked around, humming to himself in feigned contemplation, before reconnecting our lips.

"What do you think?" he whispered into the kiss. I smiled.

"I think I'm not the only one using clichés." I muttered in reply. He just laughed, kissing me again.

As we pulled away, I collapsed onto the bed, breathing hard.

"Are you okay, Sage?" Butters asked, suddenly concerned.

"I'm fine. Just tired." I replied, yawning, "Today's been strenuous, and I haven't spoken this much in years."

Butters smiled and nodded, curling up next to me and pulling the covers over both of us. He also turned off the lamp that had been the only source of light for much of the conversation (we'd changed into our pajamas while I recounted my past).

"Goodnight, Sage." Butters said happily, draping an arm over my waist and resting his head against my chest.

"Goodnight, Butters." I whispered, wrapping my arms around my new boyfriend and holding him close, my nose buried in his soft golden hair, inhaling his scent with every breath. Happier than I had been in years, I drifted off into a peaceful sleep, looking forward to another day in South Park. Unfortunately, the peace didn't last long.

Somewhere around one in the morning, a bright blue light filled my room, waking me instantly. I looked at Butters. He was still asleep. I then looked around, trying to find the source of the blue light. Suddenly, my bedroom door began to open and a skinny gray figure appeared in the doorway.

I leaned over Butters, making it clear to the figure that I wasn't going to let it take him. However, it made no move to take Butters. Instead, it grabbed me by the arm and lifted me, along with itself, with a beam of light, leaving Butters undisturbed. The gray figure and I were beamed up to…a spaceship?! _Holy shit! I'm being abducted by aliens!_

As I was being brought on board the ship, we passed by several tables where different men were having metal things shoved up their butts in a way that seemed to mimic anal sex (one of the men seemed to be enjoying it). The gray figures dragged me to an empty table and strapped me to it, pulling my pajama bottoms down. _Oh, come on. I'm REALLY not in the mood._

As they inserted one of the metal things into my ass, I clenched my sphincter tightly, unleashing a powerful Dragonshout that destroyed the metal thing. The aliens, seeming frustrated, summoned a large black metal thing to replace the one I had destroyed. This one was much stronger, and as it began to slip in, I panicked and unleashed an even more powerful Dragonshout that destroyed not only the metal thing, but the whole machine. The aliens fled, and the portion of the metal thing that wasn't destroyed implanted itself in my anus, out of the way of the main passage. After a little test, I realized that I could control it using my sphincter muscles.

"Is this your first time getting probed?" a voice said from beside me. I looked to see a middle-aged man with black hair and a mustache. He was strapped to a table as well, with a small metal thing (a probe) behind him, although it was currently inactive.

"Yeah, it's a pain. But this is the kind of stuff you put up with living in a remote little mountain town. At least we don't have to deal with traffic!" he said, smiling. _Every cloud has a silver lining, I suppose._

He then took another look at me and his eyes widened. "Hey, you broke free! Kid, you must have incredible control over your asshole! Get me loose, too!" he cried, struggling half-heartedly against his bonds.

I jumped off the table, only to find that it was surrounded by a barrier. I looked around and noticed a metal rod with a blue antennae sticking out of it. I could feel the alien probe in my ass reacting to it, so I activated the probe, using my sphincter muscles to make the small satellite dish (the probe) react with the antennae. Next thing I knew, I was on the other side of the barrier.

"Hey, look at that!" the man cried, "Looks like you've broken off part of the probe and now you can control it with your sphincter muscles!" The man looked around him. "I'm surrounded by some kind of force field. Go find a way to shut it off!" I looked at him and nodded in acknowledgement before walking out into the hallway. After knocking out several aliens with an alien gun I stole, I found the Control room, where I battled against the head of alien security. After defeating him, I deactivated the force field and freed the man (I soon learned that his name was "Randy"). He offered to show me how to get back to Earth, but I declined, telling him (via typing) to free the other captives and then leave.

I may have neglected to mention this, but I have a very vengeful nature. I was going to make these aliens pay for interrupting my much-needed sleep (and for sodomizing me, can't forget that). Making my way to the cockpit, I knocked out the two pilots and set the ship on a collision course with Earth. I aimed for the shopping center in South Park, since there was a large uninhabited area right around it, so no one would get hurt. I then found a button that would beam me back down to Earth and, after checking the cameras to make sure everyone had gotten off safely, I was enveloped in a bright blue light, just like the one that had brought me up to the ship. When the light faded, I was back in my room.

Butters was still asleep, but he looked like he was reaching for something, and was upset when he couldn't find it. I smiled. I knew what he was looking for. I yawned, stashing the alien gun that I had stolen in my toy chest, and crawled back into bed next to Butters, who wrapped his arms around me the moment I got settled. I looked at the clock. 2:00a.m. _Good, I can still get a few good hours of sleep._ I looked at Butters. He seemed much happier now. I gently stroked his hair, placing a kiss on his forehead, which elicited a soft moan from the boy as he snuggled closer to me. I smiled and relaxed, closing my eyes and drifting off into a peaceful slumber once more.


End file.
